THE ONLY WAY IS UP!

I just re-read my last post and yes, I agree with you Spider63 - I think too much and your right about all the depressive thoughts only making the binging worse.

Spider63 also had an interesting post about about the 4 stages of eating,drop by and have a read (sorry I don't know how to link).I have thought about these steps in the last couple of days and I must say it has helped me to resist some nasties.

I cancelled my food order yesterday, I figured I just have to learn how to do things on my own. I mean, I know what I have to do, but because I don't plan and organise myself I fail.

I'm still going to the gym and I can notice improvements already. Little things like my back doesn't ache as much in the mornings and also my general outlook on life is more rosier than it has been. I mean I actually feel there is hope to get out of the black pit I put myself in.

I still have to make myself go the the gym and hate the thought of it but once I'm there and particularly after I feel better about it. The workouts though are not getting any easier, but hey , I'm working here with below (off the chart) fitness levels so the only way is UP!(As the song goes)

Anyway I'll leave you with a sample of my bawdy humor - take care

INTROSPECTION

I'm sure you have all seen this image before.

I have had it saved on my computer for some time. Whenever I look at it it makes me feel oddly pathetic. Pathetic because I represent the fat kid on the left. The kid who thinks constantly of food and eats like there is no tomorrow.

The child on the right is starving.

Starving so one day there will be no tomorrow.

I find it incomprehensible in this modern day and age that people can still starve to death.I often try and visualise what it would feel like,of course my idea of starving is a far cry from what these poor souls are enduring.

I feel my constant struggles with the food demons are minuscule in the great scheme of things, I try and think of all the people in the world who don't have enough to eat,don't have a roof over their heads,don't have someone to look out for them.

It helps me in a macabre way feel grateful for what I have and not what I don't have.

I watched a doucmentry on the weekend. It was about a group of women at a clinic in the US which catered for eating disorders. All the women were aged 15-30 and all anorexics. Some weighed as little as 40kg (around 85lbs)They would be weighed everyday and not told their weight. They had their rooms inspected on a daily basis for hidden food. I found some of the things they did to lose weight a bit destressing.

It made me think, did I have the same problem as them, but in reverse? Or was I simply just a guts who had no control over anything.

I'm still out on this one lets say it's food for thought.

MINI MELT DOWN

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I have decided not to post from work anymore - I think they have installed snooping software on the server, just a hunch as whenever I am on the Internet be it for work or personal business my boss miraculously starts bugging me or coming out and "pretending" to get something of the printer which is behind me - Bastards!

I hardly use it in work time mainly in my lunch hour is all, pity they didn't. look at themselves.

I had a mini meltdown at work last week, it all started Tuesday of last week, my 3' 0clock finishing day, right on 5 to 3 I get an urgent email from the boss wanting me to look into a problem BEFORE I left. I don't know if it was intentional or he simply forget, so I stayed back and did it - under sufferance I might add.

I've mentioned before the times I work, without wanting to seem big headed, I think I just have too much work to do, and I'm at a stage where I feel I'm not doing anything properly trying yo get through it all. Wednesday is my worst day as I have do the wages on a national basis, everyone knows how stressed I get trying to get in done before the deadline,so what does my boss do, start loading me up with other things to do. Well I just "cracked a fat" as we say here. I told him I have too much work, how everyone relies on me to fix their problems, without me getting any reciprocal help and that I just couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

The first couple of days were great, but it's slowly starting back to how is was before, I tell you though it will have to change because I'm not putting up with this shit anymore - AMEN! End of rant!

So, out of my 3 weeks of supposedly leaving early to get to the gym, it has only happened twice,today being one of them. But that is not going to happen again I can tell you, I will make sure of that - It time to make this all about me. me, ME!

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!

Thought I had better check in and let you all know I'm still alive.

Last week was hectic with work and my daughters school musical.

The musical was great - we went to two performances and I must admit I enjoyed it better the second time. The production was Oklahoma!and my daughter played the part of Aunt Eller. I have all the songs still in my head - "Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day".Not being biased, I have a very talented daughter as far as acting goes. she really carried the production and was on stage for 95% of the time. She was so good and convincing my mother didn't recognise her. At intermission I asked my mother what she thought of her granddaughters performance which she replied " I haven't seen her yet, when does she come out!!!!

It was so funny, she really didn't know it was her as she was dressed up as a 50 something matronly woman from around the turn of 20th century. She will never live that one down I can guarantee that!!!

On the weight loss front I have been plodding away, today I weighed with a loss of 1kg (2.2lbs) so it heading in the right direction. Oh, and I was successful at negotiating leaving work at 3pm for two days a week, so I can do my physical therapy at the gym, so I'm happy about that. With the musical and all I only made it to the gym once last week, but plan to go today,Thursday and Saturday.

Anyhow, gotta go and do some work.