MISSING IN ACTION

I haven't been around much as I've had a pretty stressful week.My workplace at the moment is like a battleground with a lot of politics,finger pointing and blame being levelled in every direction and of course all the muck rakers are ducking for cover - you know like it usually goes. Tomorrow there is a meeting with the Director and General Manager so that will be interesting.I hope it clears the air as this place has almost been unbearable because of all the bad vibes. Also, today of all days, we are having a system upgrade - today is also the day I'm supposed to pay our 100+ employees and I cannot do anything and I am totally pissed off as I expressly stipulated they could do the upgrade as long as there would be no delays. I should have known better as everything is fucked (can you tell I'm pissed).

On the health front I've had an allergic reaction to the meds the Gastro doctor put me on - got a bad dose of the hives which worsened as I had to increase the dose on a daily basis from 3 to 6 tablets. Finally realised something was up when I progressed to 6 tabs and my face and throat swelled - only minor but still a reaction.I feel such a dork as I used to be a bloody nurse and I did not see the warning signs. Because I have so much shit wrong with me I just think it's an existing problem.

On a positive note I'm still sticking to the plan - haven't weighed in this week as I've been too distracted so will do this in the next couple of days.I had better go and get these IT people into gear and get me set up - wish me luck

WEIGH IN

I'm pleased to say I lost 1.8kg(3.96lbs) this week. Iv'e been sticking to my old plan and I must say I feel better for it.I had a few days when I could of eaten the dog, but to help me I spread my food out over 6 meals which helped me a great deal.I am optimistic I can do this again and get back on track. I still need to start the exercise again but I believe in fixing one problem at a time.
The Biggest Loser has helped,watching them train is also motivating me to start as they have all come so far in a couple of weeks. so if they can do it there's no excuse for me.

I'm feeling positive at the moment and I like that feeling.

SIGMUND FREUD OR SIGMOID FRAUD ?

I read a few posts today from others on why they eat the food they do and what is used to fill the void. I have spent most of the day analysing how this topic relates to me and why I have become the weight I now am. Of course I haven't come up with the answer but one thing keeps sticking out for me and it's the instant gratification food gives me.Whenever I am feeling crappy either emotionally or physically or sometimes both I eat.Food in any family is usually a big deal,for me as a kid we used it as a time to bond as a family unit,we celebrated with it,we commisserated with it and we were rewarded with it.Food is the ultimate quickie, it's accessible,affordable and comes in a variety of taste sensations.

I must admit I have known this for some time so was not able to shout "Eureka" or utter that line from My Fair Lady "I think she's got it". I am though able to recognise and reflect on it. I'm a bit of a pragmatist, shit happens and then you die - I recognise my shit, I don't like it, but it happened and now I must get on with things. I have a long way to go but things seems a little brighter, the light is there at the end of the tunnel even though it's a long way off.When I go for a food reward I think. I think, will this cake fix my problems,will this bag of chips ease my pain.Sometimes I succumb others I don't, but the important thing is I'm thinking, it takes some practise but I'm thinking.

GOING WELL - SO FAR

Well I have passed a milestone today. I have been on program for 5 straight days without a relapse.Pretty good I think,considering my previous post Xmas effort. I have been doing my own thing and I must say I feel more comfortable in familiar territory. I have snuck a look on the scales and I have lost, I'll post it on Wednesday which is weigh in day.

I had my hair coloured today, I wanted a change so went a few shades darker than my normal blonde colour - I'm still undecided if I like it yet.

I have been thinking about posting some photos, it's always nice to put a face to the name, only problem is I have to take them as I do not have any photos of me as I HATE having my picture taken.

Anyway I'm off to bed, I have been on this wretched computer since 7.30pm and it's now 1.08am - playing a stupid game as there was nothing on the telly.My butt feels like its grafted onto the chair. Help! I think I need a crane to get me off it!!!!

MY BENDER

I went on a bender yesterday. A food bender. I ate so much crap yesterday I felt physically sick this morning. My reason? I had decided to get back on track and chose Wednesday as my start day.So I do what I do every other time I decide to diet - consume all my favourite things as a last hurrah.It is a pathetic excuse I know and believe me I am suffering for it today.Why do I do this, is it because I view healthy eating as a deprivation? Probably. I decided to fess up as I need to be honest with myself if I'm going to succeed.I have also decided to resume what I was doing last year food wise - which is basically count the calories again - 1500 per day. I just couldn't get myself organised with the Weight Watcher thingy, it is a good programme but not for me.So that's that its over now I must move on. I have adjusted my tracker to show my gain - it's a 4kg(8.8lbs) gain since my lowest weight if 121kg(266lbs) before Xmas.Oey Vie!

On a lighter note, Spiders back - Yah! Our stalker tactics worked girls! lol

WE WANT SPIDER! WE WANT SPIDER!

Spider63 has gone private. Now I'm a little disappointed as I have been an avid reader of his blog for some time now.I'm sure he has his reasons and if he decides not to share anymore I respect his decision. BUT I think we should all try real hard to get him back.So can you all show your support for Spider to return by posting your comments and mentioning this in your blogs for other mutual readers to see.

Johnny Cash- Ring of Fire 1968

How I feel at the moment

BURNING RING OF FIRE

I have deliberately been staying away from blogging. All I seem to be doing lately is moan and wallow in my own self pity. I can imagine it is getting a bit tedious to everyone who takes time to read my posts.I know I'm sick of hearing it.

I went back to the gastroenterologist yesterday to be told I have a severe case of Ulcerative Colitis. I suppose the good thing is now I know why I have been feeling like crap. He showed me a some pictures he took and I must say they are pretty gross (from a medical point of view).I asked if he could examine me with his other hand - as I wanted a "second opinion". I thought that was hilarious - he didn't!

So what are my treatment options:-

1) Major dose of steroids
2) Course of sulphur medication
3) If all else fails - surgery (and a colostomy) yikes!!

I opted for no 2 to start with as I am already on steroids- though a low dose and do not wish to risk the side effects like MAJOR WEIGHT GAIN and loss of bone density( I had a bad run a few years ago with stress fractures - 5 in the right foot and two in the left).

I posted the Johnny Cash song in honour of how my colon is feeling now. When I was nursing I used to play this for all my patients who had their haemorrhoid's done - they all hated me as laughing was painful.

Oh, and I've also changed my avatar, Cactus made this for me - isn't she great! It's very fitting at the moment don't you think?

Ringo Starr - Photograph

OK I can't not post my favourite Ringo Song - a good catchy song

George harrison - my sweet lord

I wanted to hear this song after mentioning it on Micks Music Monday post.It was filmed at a concert for Bangladesh.My memories of this song are ice skating(more like bum skating I think)on summer holidays with this playing in the background.

BIG GIRLS PANTIES

Have just finished watching the first episode of The Biggest Loser.Watching it I felt pretty much "dead from the neck up". I felt little to no emotion for them unlike the previous year when I was blubbering away with them. On reflection, I think it's the frame of mind I have been in since Xmas, which has been pretty shit in regards to weight loss.Last years show gave me the inspiration the start this journey, which to date, has seen me lose 17 odd kilos and drop 2 sizes.I was and still am hoping I get that from this years show.

I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately,trying to place blame and give excuses for losing my "mojo".Well ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I am giving myself a humongous kick in the butt to get on with it.One of my strategies is to track what goes in my gob everyday and more importantly the exercise I do. I need to accountable.

As the picture says, I'm putting on my big girls panties and getting on with it.

PHEW

My colonoscopy went reasonably OK, though they were running late and wasn't done until 5.00pm,which was a bit tough as I wasn't able to drink anything. Had a quick talk to the Dr after - some area of concern which he will go through later but NO CANCER. Phew! am I relieved. The cartoon depicts my most embarrassing moment(that I was conscious for !)

I Will Survive