WEDNESDAY WADDLE

No weigh in today as I know I have gained over the Easter weekend. I think it would do my head in to actually see THE number. I know I have gained due to the extent of my waddle.

While out yesterday I noticed a man who was extremely overweight(over 200kg at guess),what caught my eye was the way he was walking, or more like it, waddling.

It made me think why do fat people waddle, is it because our thighs are so big we have to swing them in a arc of nearly 360 degrees to move them forward, or is it simply due to the weight we expect our legs to carry.

I know I waddle to some extent, My waddle is worse when I'm carrying excess weight and/or I'm stiff and sore from my arthritis. Today my waddle is bad, I'm stiff and sore and I also feel fat. I know I am fat but you know you have days when you feel fatter than usual,well I'm having one of those times where I just feel enormous. If I bent over everyone would think there was a solar eclipse! LOL!!!


Oh well, I only have myself to blame and I know what to do I got to "JUST DO IT?

TRYING FOR A CHOCOLATE FREE ZONE

I'm really struggling with the chocolate. I have some easter gifts and I can smell the blasted stuff.

The stupid thing about all of this is I'm not really a chocoholic, OK, like most people I do like chocolate but am not an addict. My daughter on the other hand loves chocolate and she would eat it all day everday if she could.

A work collegue gave me a chocolate bunny, I held out for 6 hours, then ate it all in one sitting last Wednesday night. I paid the consequences for it the next day though, I had a bad headache and some dodgy bowels.

I had another huge egg given to me and I told my husband to eat it if he knew what was good for him! lol! Thank goodness he didn't need much encouragement.

I suppose my cravings are coming down to plain old "forbidden fruits" mentality and feelings of deprivation.We always want what we dont or can't have.

Maybe I need to retrain my brain by thinking of it as dogs doo or something like that!!!

Oh well better go and heat up my dinner,it's fish for tonight.

WEIGH IN

Weighed in today at 124.6kg (274.12lbs) which is a loss of .600kg(1.32lbs).

Taking into account my huge loss last week and my mini blowout out on Saturday night, I am happy with the result.

MINI EPHINANY

I had a mini ephinany on the weekend.

It's amazing what a small off hand comment from a family member can do as a kick up the backside.

We had a family get together for my Dad's 80th birthday and one of my brothers made a off hand comment about me fitting through a doorway(as there were about 20 people in the room). I must admit I was embarrassed (even though not many heard it.)

I handled it by drowning my sorrows in some wine and just a bit too much Tiramisu cake.

I came to the realisation how much time I had wasted over the past year, I also realised the "medicinal" comfort I was putting in food was just so self destructing. I always knew it wasn't the right thing to do but it just seemed to slap me in the face more this time.

I'm someone who used to be motivated by negative reinforcement. When I was younger, if you told me I could not do something, I would do it just to prove them wrong.When I was 13 I desperately wanted my ears pierced. My mother refused saying I was to young, so I threatened do them myself, which she laughed at.

Well I just got two blocks of ice one day a needle and damn well pierced my own ears, much to her horror. I still wear my earrings in those same holes I did way back then. Dont't get me wrong though it was not the case of a willfull child not getting her way. I just always felt held back because of illness as a child. Telling me I couldn't do something was like waving a red flag at a bull.

What I have achieved so far has proved I can do this,watching shows like The Biggest Loser and other weight loss shows also proves by being consist ant and putting in the effort will yield results.

I think Nona (55kg's) posted recently, "It's one thing to talk the talk, but you have to walk the walk".

Well, I'm tired of the talking(excuses), I want to do the walking.

I want to walk with my head held high for a change.

WEIGH IN - DRUM ROLL PLEASE

Happy to report I lost 3.4kg(7.48lbs)!!

FANBLOODYTASIC!

UPDATE

Well I have managed to stay on track and hound the nasty sugar cravings away. I am encouraged by the fact I have some control over the evil monster. I am surprised though just how much stress I have created for myself.

I had a panic attack yesterday, my first in ages. I started having them in my early 20's, my Nana had just died and I was sitting my final nursing exams. When I got the first one like all sufferers, I thought I was having a stroke and was going to die. Once I had them "diagnosed" I learnt how to handle them and keep them at bay.

They are clever little beasts these panic attacks, they are like a virus,when they come across a barrier or defense mechanism they mutate and change their plan of attack.Mine did that yesterday,I was at work and thankfully it only lasted for a few minutes and I was able to regain control.

For anyone who has ever suffered from anxiety it's the pits.I don't mean normal, everyday anxiousness but full throttled, in your face anxiety,where it impacts on your quality of life and determines everything little thing you do on a daily basis.

I find meditating helps me and also the big one - exercise, also helps enormously,I just have to work something out where I can make the time to do it - another thing which adds to the anxiety, as I start feeling guilty about dropping the ball in one area to support something else.

On a lighter note, weigh in day tomorrow, I have lost I can feel it,I'm not feeling as bloated as I did, so I'm hoping for a good results as I need some good news I can tell you that!

IMPROVEMENTS (THOUGH MINOR)

Things have improved for me (slightly) on the diet front. Firstly by having the meals my anxiety levels have reduced dramatically and overall I am eating better.

I am having though some serious sugar cravings after dinner, last night I succumbed and stuffed 4 chocolate biscuits down my craw, then two pieces of cinnamon toast,then when that didn't satisfy me some more sweet biscuits. I of course felt pretty shattered after the event and vowed I would do better.

I feel I'm being a stupid cow for letting this food issue get the better of me, but honestly all I seem to be doing is thinking of food and what I can have next and when. Last week at work we had cake for someones birthday, I was good, I walked back to my desk without my usual two pieces(yes, two freakin pieces).For the rest of the afternoon that damn cake was on my mind and I could not think of anything else.

The next day I knew there was heaps left in the fridge and once more my thoughts kept going back to it saying to myself "oh come on one slice wont hurt, you can start again tomorrow etc etc". Again I was able to withstand the temptation.

Why is it I can control myself with the really ,really good stuff (cakes) and then blow it on OK stuff like biscuits and bread. I mean if I'm going to break the diet you would think I'd pick something WORTH breaking it for.

Today I've tried to keep busy and keep my mind occupied, I found a an unfinished knitted jacket I was doing for my daughter, so I have started it again, had to unravel it all as I forgot what size I was doing.

Tonight if I get the cravings again I just have to drink a glass of water as I'm not blowing it again tonight.

THE DAMAGE

Today's the day - yay!!!!

Faced the scales this morning have weighed in at a whopping 128.6kg!!!. So I have had a monumental gain of roughly 10kg (22lbs) - not good at all.

I must accept this and move on from here. Beating myself up over this is not going to do any good,rather the reverse. I have to learn how to forgive myself and more importantly, like myself if I'm going to beat this.

So far this morning I am allowed the following

2 slices Ham
1 small egg
2 slices grain bread
5 dried apricots
1 orange

I had the egg, 1 slice ham and 1 toast and the orange for breakfast and am saving the other slice of toast and ham with the apricots for my mid morning snack.

Lunch is a small serve of chilli chicken on a salad with a small bread roll and a nectarine.

I find I do better and am not so hungry when I break down my meals into 3 meals with 3 snacks.

For the firsat time in a while I'm feeling optimistic!!

TODAYS THE DAY

Thank god, today I'm getting my food delivery.It's been a long, long week I can tell you. I know tomorrow I will wake up tomorrow with an enormous sense of relief knowing I will have some semblance of control again.

I must admit my self destructing behaviour over the past few weeks has alarmed me. I have never been this bad before and felt like I had no control whatever.Frankly it has scared the "bejesus" out of me.

I found this picture and thought it suited my problem