BACK IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING - SORT OFF

Am feeling slightly better as long as I (1) Don't lift or do anything with my right arm and (2) take some regular pain meds. I came back to work yesterday (Monday) and survived the day and any fears I had about having the time off were eased by my co-workers concern (as I was told I looked like shit - nice. lol)

I ventured on the scales this morning - ugh! I weighed in at 122.2 kg which is a gain of 4.2kg or 9.24lbs - egad!! To be totally honest while not happy with the results, I have bigger fish to fry at the moment. I have though realised medicating myself with food is not the answer to my problems and if anything will only exacerbate them, so I'm keeping a check on my eating for the time being.

Thanks to all for you words of support and encouragement, it means a lot.

PAINFUL POST

It's always happens doesn't it? You don't fully appreciate what you have got until it's gone. Why does it take a major change in your everyday life to want back what you were moaning about when you were well. Sometimes I think I'm the type of person who can never be satisfied with whatever they have.

Right now I'd like to be pain free, it hurts to do just about the bare minimum I need to do like breathe, eat, go the the bathroom etc. I started to feel a little better yesterday and decided to do a little shopping, it was the worst decision I made as 1 hr into it I could hardly walk and had to sit down while my daughter finished doing what she had to do, I had trouble even driving the car back home. How in God's name am I going to get to work tomorrow? I have to go in, I have had too much time off sick and if things don't get better I can see my Immunologist wanting to admit me to Hospital, he said as much last week when I saw him, which is just great. NOT! Having the extra stress of having to work doesn't help.

I try to change my attitude by telling myself it could be worse and think of all the people who are sicker than me, I think of my SIL , what my brother went through, and all who have and still are battling cancer and the enormous courage and strength these people must have makes me feel ashamed of myself for the whining, but I can't help it.

What I need to do is to stop being so darned introspective.

Introspection should be taboo for the depressed, it fuels the negativity to spread like a voracious bush fire, indiscriminately destroying everthing vital and alive in it's path only to leave blackened and charred remains of a life once enjoyed.

CAUTION! WOE IS ME POST COMING UP

I've been laid up at home the last couple of days with Costocondritis, it's where the cartilage which hold your ribs together becomes inflamed. It has been debilitating, with the slightest movement causing me severe stabbing like pain. It's a part of the auto immune disease I have had since I was a child. I think the "Lupus" diagnosis is not to far away now, something I have dreaded for the past 30 or so years but have always known it would come to. All of my health issues over the last 30 years all stem around this, my joints(arthritis), my colon(colitis), my eyes(Uveitis), notice the pattern, everything ends with a "itis" meaning inflammation. I must face the fact that I'm in a serious flareup at the moment. It's something I don't always like to talk about as I feel people get sick of hearing about it. I have had so much time off work in the past year, it embarrasses me, but I can't do much about it.



Because things are flaring up I had to go and see my Doctor who has been treating me now for the past 20 years. He is now a Professor, it seems when you come a Professor, your fees go up from $160 to $360 a consultation with our health insurance only paying the standard fee as a refund. His advice was to give the "big guns" as go - the immunosuppressants, the anti rejection drugs they give to transplant patients. Now, I have a severe new drug phobia, I hate taking tablets to start with, but anything new I panic about. Well to cut a long story short after being on them for 1 month, the good news was all the inflammatory indicators were lowered, the bad news was I got an allergic reaction to them and had to stop them. So we are back to square one again.


So. why am I telling you all this,"F*CKED IF I KNOW!


I suppose I want you all to have an understanding of the reasons behind my depression and why I suck (at the moment) on the diet front and at life in general. You see I hate being like this, I can remember a time when I wasn't like this. I was the girl everyone wanted around because she made them laugh and be happy, I was the life of the party. I was the girl who could do anything when she put her mind to it, I could of sold ice to the Eskimos. All this was going round and round in my head today as I was having a body scan. I have never felt so pathetic, a 120kg lump laying on a bed not even wide enough for 40kg anorexic, not even wide enough for one of my butt cheeks and having to be assisted by two people to sit up at the end of it.


You would think it would be motivating, but it wasn't, it has only emphasised how hopeless I feel and how overwhelming things seems at the moment. I'll probably regret posting this tomorrow, so best I end and post now before I chicken out.

WEEKEND OVER

Had a busy weekend. We all went to the races again on Saturday. My uncle had two of his horses running - "Leo" and "Power". Leo was expected to win while Power wasn't.The great news is both horses won giving my uncle his first winning double on the same day (as a trainer), it was so exciting when Power got up, my Aunt and I were screaming everyone out in the stands, so much so my daughter walked away in embarrassment. lol.

The bad news was he was 30-1 and I only had $5.00 on him. oh well ,Que sera sera still $150 for a $5 outlay is good.

As I mentioned before I am eating gluten free due to a Dr's recommendation, trouble is I'm eating everything gluten free. I stocked up at the supermarket and am sampling everything. will have to put a stop to that. I've gained for sure I can tell. I'll have to sit down and work out a plan around things. I now have to be a label addict, not only for the calories but to see if it contains gluten. Oie Vey!!

IT'S TIME TO GO - NEGATIVITY!

I have decided to banish this wretched word and thought process completely from my life.From now on there will be no more looking at everything in a gloomy, pessimistic way. No more unpleasant or disagreeable thoughts .No more self loathing.

The glass will now be half full, the lemons will be full of lemonade, all negativity will now be referred to as challenges. I will no longer be my own worst enemy but rather my own champion. I need to spacky up the chip on my shoulder and get the job done.

I'm on a new road, it called the" Get Off Your Arse And Start To Live Road" which is around the corner from "Life Is Too Short To Piss Fart Around Lane"

BACK AGAIN

A heartfelt thank you for all your kind thoughts and well wishes. You are all a special bunch of people I am fortunate to know.

The past week has been extremely busy and stressful with my SIL passing away and organising my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. There were a few hiccups on the way like flowers and cakes not being what I ordered for the 50th. The restaurant we booked was totally crap and I was disappointed in the food and service, it it had been under different circumstances I would have complained, but I know my mother wouldn't have liked me doing it. One thing for sure, we wont be going back there.

My SIL funeral was yesterday and we had the wake back here at our home, we catered for 30 people and only half came back, so I've got food (particularly cakes and cheesecakes) coming out of my ears at the moment. I was trying to offload plates onto everyone as they left, I think I'll have to throw most of it out.

Had a specialists appointment today, he recommended I go on a gluten free diet, as I'm having some regular flare ups with the colitis. It's funny as I have been reading up on this myself and toying with the idea, to see if it would give me any relief from my symptoms, so maybe this is a sign it is right.

I have decided not to weigh in this week, I know I've gained, I can feel it (my undies are a bit tighter,which are sure sign for me lol!) I don't think I could handle anymore bad news this week.

As it was my 20th wedding anniversary and my parents 50th wedding anniversary last week I'll leave you with some wedding photos.

SAD DAY

Sorry I haven't been around to let you all know about how I'm doing.

My husband's sister (the one who had cancer) deteriorated over the last 5 days and passed away this morning. Thankfully she is no longer suffering and is at peace. It has been especially hard as we buried my brother on the same day last year which also happens to be our wedding anniversary. They say things happen in three's so I'll have to break the cycle by breaking a match as I don't think I can go through this again next year. I'm not normally a superstitious person but I need all the help I can get.

As you can guess the diet has gone out the window at the moment.

NO GUTS - NO GLORY



Blogger is still not letting me put a heading in the "title" section so I'm resorted to doing the above.

Thanks for all your feed back from my last post. I agree with all that commented about the shakes not teaching me how to eat properly. My motivation for wanting to start them was to give me a bit of a push in regards to my weight loss. My plan was to see what I could achieve after staying on them for as long as I could stomach it. My previous record on these shakes was 3 days - pretty pathetic I know.


You see the old complacency devil is whispering in my ear, I think that's why my losses are not consistent. OK, the scales are coming down, but I am on the see-saw at the moment, down one week, up the next. O f course I know it is all my own doing so I'm experimenting with a few things to get the fire back in my belly again. As you all know I've lost 23kg or 50.6lbs apart from my immediate family, I have not had to many comments on my weight loss (particularly from my two brothers) which pisses me off a little. I know when your big it takes longer for others to see the results - but hey 23kg should be noticeable, after all I have dropped 3 sizes.


A couple of weeks ago someone I work with came out and announced he had lost 4kg's( 8.8lbs) and could we all tell. He's a big man and to be quite honest I couldn't see it. He got a bit narky when we said we couldn't and started to carry on about it. As usual I couldn't keep my mouth shut and told him I'd had lost 23kg and as he hadn't noticed that how was I supposed to have notice his 4kg. I don't like to be mean but I felt putting him in his place was warranted. He mad a hasty exit - stage left!


So today I have started, this morning for Breakfast I had a vanilla shake, it was palatable, to say the least. Lunch was a Optifast chocolate bar, not so nice but edible, I was going to do the meal replacement for 3 meals, but have decided on two per day. I'll have a normal meal tonight say around 500 calories which will take my daily calories to about 820, which is still lower than my 1500 I was previously having. I know it's only day one but I'm not feeling hungry, only empty. Like most obese people I like the taste sensation that food gives you.I've been watching some TV and doing some knitting to keep my mind of the food.


So far so good.

So that's what happened the cat - got the crapper scared out of him and he ran away!


Can't put a title on this, is anyone else having this problem????


I'm thinking of starting Optifast - you know the shake meal replacements, anyone else had any experience on these. They are quite rigid I know, but rigidity works for me, the tougher I am with myself the better I perform,. Hm mm wonder if I was into flagellation in a past life.

WEIGH IN

Weighed in this morning for a 800 gram (1.76lb) loss. Getting the opportunity to exercise continues to be a challenge for me, I only managed to go to gym once in the past week. Being winter here doesn't help as by the time I leave work it's dark and after I make dinner I really don't feel like getting dressed and going out. It's an excuse I know, I just have to make time to do it.

Thursday is the first anniversary of my brothers death and to be frank I've been dreading it.My mother has naturally been quite upset this past week, my brother is down from the country, so we will all take a sabbatical together and visit the grave.

It's another reminder that life is short and precious and needs to be lived like theirs no tomorrow - no regrets.