CAUTION! WOE IS ME POST COMING UP

I've been laid up at home the last couple of days with Costocondritis, it's where the cartilage which hold your ribs together becomes inflamed. It has been debilitating, with the slightest movement causing me severe stabbing like pain. It's a part of the auto immune disease I have had since I was a child. I think the "Lupus" diagnosis is not to far away now, something I have dreaded for the past 30 or so years but have always known it would come to. All of my health issues over the last 30 years all stem around this, my joints(arthritis), my colon(colitis), my eyes(Uveitis), notice the pattern, everything ends with a "itis" meaning inflammation. I must face the fact that I'm in a serious flareup at the moment. It's something I don't always like to talk about as I feel people get sick of hearing about it. I have had so much time off work in the past year, it embarrasses me, but I can't do much about it.



Because things are flaring up I had to go and see my Doctor who has been treating me now for the past 20 years. He is now a Professor, it seems when you come a Professor, your fees go up from $160 to $360 a consultation with our health insurance only paying the standard fee as a refund. His advice was to give the "big guns" as go - the immunosuppressants, the anti rejection drugs they give to transplant patients. Now, I have a severe new drug phobia, I hate taking tablets to start with, but anything new I panic about. Well to cut a long story short after being on them for 1 month, the good news was all the inflammatory indicators were lowered, the bad news was I got an allergic reaction to them and had to stop them. So we are back to square one again.


So. why am I telling you all this,"F*CKED IF I KNOW!


I suppose I want you all to have an understanding of the reasons behind my depression and why I suck (at the moment) on the diet front and at life in general. You see I hate being like this, I can remember a time when I wasn't like this. I was the girl everyone wanted around because she made them laugh and be happy, I was the life of the party. I was the girl who could do anything when she put her mind to it, I could of sold ice to the Eskimos. All this was going round and round in my head today as I was having a body scan. I have never felt so pathetic, a 120kg lump laying on a bed not even wide enough for 40kg anorexic, not even wide enough for one of my butt cheeks and having to be assisted by two people to sit up at the end of it.


You would think it would be motivating, but it wasn't, it has only emphasised how hopeless I feel and how overwhelming things seems at the moment. I'll probably regret posting this tomorrow, so best I end and post now before I chicken out.