Friday 27 July 2007


I've been laid up at home the last couple of days with Costocondritis, it's where the cartilage which hold your ribs together becomes inflamed. It has been debilitating, with the slightest movement causing me severe stabbing like pain. It's a part of the auto immune disease I have had since I was a child. I think the "Lupus" diagnosis is not to far away now, something I have dreaded for the past 30 or so years but have always known it would come to. All of my health issues over the last 30 years all stem around this, my joints(arthritis), my colon(colitis), my eyes(Uveitis), notice the pattern, everything ends with a "itis" meaning inflammation. I must face the fact that I'm in a serious flareup at the moment. It's something I don't always like to talk about as I feel people get sick of hearing about it. I have had so much time off work in the past year, it embarrasses me, but I can't do much about it.

Because things are flaring up I had to go and see my Doctor who has been treating me now for the past 20 years. He is now a Professor, it seems when you come a Professor, your fees go up from $160 to $360 a consultation with our health insurance only paying the standard fee as a refund. His advice was to give the "big guns" as go - the immunosuppressants, the anti rejection drugs they give to transplant patients. Now, I have a severe new drug phobia, I hate taking tablets to start with, but anything new I panic about. Well to cut a long story short after being on them for 1 month, the good news was all the inflammatory indicators were lowered, the bad news was I got an allergic reaction to them and had to stop them. So we are back to square one again.

So. why am I telling you all this,"F*CKED IF I KNOW!

I suppose I want you all to have an understanding of the reasons behind my depression and why I suck (at the moment) on the diet front and at life in general. You see I hate being like this, I can remember a time when I wasn't like this. I was the girl everyone wanted around because she made them laugh and be happy, I was the life of the party. I was the girl who could do anything when she put her mind to it, I could of sold ice to the Eskimos. All this was going round and round in my head today as I was having a body scan. I have never felt so pathetic, a 120kg lump laying on a bed not even wide enough for 40kg anorexic, not even wide enough for one of my butt cheeks and having to be assisted by two people to sit up at the end of it.

You would think it would be motivating, but it wasn't, it has only emphasised how hopeless I feel and how overwhelming things seems at the moment. I'll probably regret posting this tomorrow, so best I end and post now before I chicken out.


Half Man said...

I am sorry to hear about your health problems. I can understand why you are so down. I hope you feel better soon.

Christine said...

That is a tough hand to be dealt. Really sorry to hear about this. Hope you manage to have more good days than bad. Take care of yourself.

White Rose Boy said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time.
I hope the medics can come up with something that will give you genuine relief.
Take Care.

Chris H said...

That sucks big time Kerry, and I am just so sorry for you! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you, but we all know that just is not going to happen..... what a shame the new medication was allergic to you... anything else they can do???? Gawd I hope so, cos your life must be so hard...... I am thinking of you mate.

Chubbymum said...

Oh hun. It is good when you let it out and just know that I am here to talk aye. You know my email and if you need to let it out then do!!!

Big hugs my friend I wish you lived closer so we could get together.

Is is a shame that you ended up having an allergic reaction to the meds hun. Is there not another drug that is similar that wouldn't give you a rash?

Take Care hun

Love CM

Spidey said...

When I went to the hospital and was the behemoth on top of the little stretchers it did motivate me. Also being examined buck nekkid by a whole bunch of medical personnel was humiliating and motivating.

As they say, die young and leave a pretty corpse...I need to lose weight before I can do that.

Abba said...

(sigh) looks like several of us are facing some health issues. hope yours turns out better. :)

CactusFreek said...

Oh my goodness! Big hugs for you :o/
None of us could possibly understand any of that, but it saddens me to hear that your life is sucking right now :o(