Sunday 29 July 2007


It's always happens doesn't it? You don't fully appreciate what you have got until it's gone. Why does it take a major change in your everyday life to want back what you were moaning about when you were well. Sometimes I think I'm the type of person who can never be satisfied with whatever they have.
Right now I'd like to be pain free, it hurts to do just about the bare minimum I need to do like breathe, eat, go the the bathroom etc. I started to feel a little better yesterday and decided to do a little shopping, it was the worst decision I made as 1 hr into it I could hardly walk and had to sit down while my daughter finished doing what she had to do, I had trouble even driving the car back home. How in God's name am I going to get to work tomorrow? I have to go in, I have had too much time off sick and if things don't get better I can see my Immunologist wanting to admit me to Hospital, he said as much last week when I saw him, which is just great. NOT! Having the extra stress of having to work doesn't help.
I try to change my attitude by telling myself it could be worse and think of all the people who are sicker than me, I think of my SIL , what my brother went through, and all who have and still are battling cancer and the enormous courage and strength these people must have makes me feel ashamed of myself for the whining, but I can't help it.
What I need to do is to stop being so darned introspective.
Introspection should be taboo for the depressed, it fuels the negativity to spread like a voracious bush fire, indiscriminately destroying everthing vital and alive in it's path only to leave blackened and charred remains of a life once enjoyed.


Chris H said...

FUCK! You have every right to be miserable and unhappy, you life is full of pain and misery, so what if you don't have bloody cancer! You are not well, and you should not trivilise your illness... you are entitled to feel bloody awful if that's how you feel ! I just hope the doctors can find a way to make your suffering easier... and if you have to go to hospital, maybe that will help you ... please do whatever you have to do to make your life better. Thinking of you my friend. *BIG HUGS*

Christine said...

You can feel how ever you want to feel. But do hope that you start to feel better about things. We are all rooting for you and on your side - you take the day off when you need it - thats why they created sick days.

Lady Rose said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. A bit of whining is good for the soul - better to let it out. You're not the type of person to wallow in it, so be gentle with yourself.

White Rose Boy said...

You are in my thoughts lets hope even if you have to go into hospital or not a way of getting rid of the pain can be found.

Chubbymum said...

I so agree with Chris F### You have every right to feel the way you do. Just because it isn't cancer does not mean you aren't in pain hun and that you aren't feeling the way you do.

Would going in to hospital help? Because you cannot help what is happening to you hun and I am sure that work would understand wouldn't they.

You health is important at the moment and you have only one life to live my friend... think of yourself for a change and not everyone else.

BIG hugs

Rebecca said...

We all need a balance of reality and optimism. I know it is MUCH easier said than done. MUCH

I hope your week manages to fly by and relatively painless.

Abba said...

Well, I am sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. Day by day.

angelfish24 said...

I've just got caught up on your last few posts. I feel for you. Being ill sucks. You deserve to talk about it, to be sad about it, to be depressed about it. I hope you can find some relief somehow. Cause just seeing people I know who are ill, it does tend to suck them into the vortex of being negative and making things worse. I do that too and just about problems in my life. I agree, you need to vent and share and hope we can give you some support even though we are far away!

CactusFreek said...

You moan as much as you like darl. When you feel like shit, you don't feel optimistic to do anything else. And sometimes it feels just a little better to pout and say, "Poor me". [[Hugs]] for you :o/