BACK AGAIN

I thought it was time to drag my sorry arse off the couch and start doing "normal"things again.

I have been a little scared to talk about my ordeals over the past few weeks, it's been a bloody nightmare and I have had a few occasions where I have regretted starting this whole process (This is the first time I have publicly stated this).

Things now seem (I'm crossing everything as I'm typing this} to be settling down. My pain has almost gone,my stomach doesn't feel like it's gong to burst with the slightest bit of food in it. The only thing that is lingering is the fatigue and extreme lack of strength I have. My legs are so weak I struggle to get off the loo or out of a low chair and the slightest effort like having a shower makes me collapse on the lounge for a couple of hours.

At least the pain is much improved and I am not popping the Oxycontin's like before.

I was septicaemic (origin unknown) while having pancreatitis caused by the sludge(gravelly mud) in my gallbladder.It was one of those things I suppose, just darn unlucky. I also got a blood clot in my leg whilst in there which they treated with some injections and if all that was not enough to have to deal with, I had my purse and mobile phone stolen from my bed locker whilst I was having an Ultrasound.

I think that was my lowest, when I had my things stolen, such a low act at the best of times but Even worse when people are vulnerable, I hope the scum bags choked on whatever they bought with the money.

Weight wise, I have lost a few kilos, my Dr told me I wouldn't lose that much as the body shuts down it's metabolism in times of severe stress. To be honest I don't really give a flying fuck at the moment, I just want to feel well again.

Thanks for all your concern and I hope to start posting some positive things for a change.

Have a Happy New Year and I hope 2009 brings health and happiness for us all!

coming to you live...

hey there,
this is Celtic_girl's correspondant blogging here in place of my mother, giving her readers a heads up on what's been happening with her health.

Mother Dearest still has been suffering from the pains in her abdominal area and she was admitted to hospital once again last Saturday to be put on an IV drip because her body wasn't responding to the other antibiotics that were being given to her. This stay was only destined for 5 days. Now over a week later, Mother Dearest has been through her ups and downs and is still in hospital. After dozens of tests and scans, it has now been discovered that she has gall stones, and tomorrow (Tuesday) she is going to have an operation to remove her gall bladder. She was also diagnosed with mild pancreatitis.
Hopefully, after this new operation, Mum will be healthy, wealthy and wise and ready to come back to lead a life with less complications in the future (fingers crossed everybody!)
She has told me to post these updates here and to tell all of you that she misses all of her blogging buddies as well :D

Until next time,
Celtic_Girl's Offspring.

THE SAGA CONTINUES

I made a mercy call to my surgeon on Tuesday and got an appointment the next day.

He booked me in for an urgent gastroscope that afternoon, as he expected (and so did I) it all came back normal. I again asked him could this all be part of my Auto-Immune Disease which he said was looking more like it could be as he "was stumped" as to why I was having so much pain. He contacted my Immunologist, gave me a wad of blood tests to have and a appointment the next day with my Immunologist.

To cut a long story short, it seems I have some damn infection somewhere, though they suspect it is in the kidneys and now I have another hospital admission for IV antibiotic therapy for about 5 days this time. To make matter worse there is a bed shortage and I have been on the short list for two days now, if I don't hear anything today it will be definitely Saturday. I was given some oral antibiotics which cost me $85.00 (expensive for here)and told if I developed the chills and severe headaches to get my self to the Emergency Dept pronto.

This whole experience has been a bloody nightmare I can tell you with events spiralling out of control. I was quite scared I would have to have the lapband removed at one stage. I asked my surgeon can the body reject the band, he said he never has heard of anyone having this but said there was always a first time for everything(heartening I can tell you)

I don't think though the infection has anything to do with the band it's just one of those things that happen. The question though I want answered the most is why wasn't infection considered when I was admitted two weeks ago with this problem,surely my blood tests were abnormal. The test I mentioned last time where I had a result of 80(normal is 7-11) is now 100, you would of thought that would have sparked some thought.

Anyway these are all things which will have to wait as all I'm concerned about right now is to start feeling better after a nightmare 3 weeks.

WILL IT EVER END

Still not well. I planned to go back to work today for 4 hours but my stomach pains were just too bad this morning.

They haven't really let up from when I was discharged last week,so am a bit worried as to why they are not settling down. I don't have an appointment with the Dr again until next Monday, so don't know how long I will be able to hold out as when they are bad they are horrible.

Not really eating much as when I eat the pains return, my weight this morning was 119.6kg which is a loss of 2.4kg (5.28lbs), I think my body is starting to think it's in starvation mode so the metabolism has slowed down as I would have expected a greater loss considering I'm not eating much.

To be frank, at the moment I don't give a hoot about the weight at the moment, I just want to be pain free.

Thanks for all your king words of support and I hope next time I have better news!

HOSPITAL - AGAIN

In my last post I mentioned I was having some bad days and not feeling very well.

Friday morning I woke to another crappy day, I had abdominal pain which progressed over the next 12 hours to being excruciating. Nothing seemed to help, I was popping Mersyndol Fortes AND Tramadol without any relief. My stomach was bloated and sore. I was scared it had something to do with the lapband.

I suffered all Friday night and finally rang up the Dr and he told me to come straight the the Emergency Dept. We got there at 9.00am, was seen by the Emergency Dr, bloods were taken and I was given some much needed Morhpine which took 3 shots until my pain was under control.

I had some X-Rays, then a CT Scan, by this time my Dr came and saw me and he told me everything was OK as far as the band was concerned (thank goodness for that) and the source of my pain was due to an acute attack of pancreatitis.

He said it was a mild attack (FARK! I'd hate to have a major attack) and I was admitted once again on drip, I came home late yesterday still on pain killers and a little worse for wear. It has nothing to do with my lapband, and probably more to do with my auto-immune problem.

One of my inflammatory markers was tested at 80!! Normal is 7-11 and when I was in hospital 3 months ago it was 45, so an all time high for me. Just my luck hey.

This has put me back quite a lot in my recovery, so probably wont be returning to work next week as planned, am not eating very much as when I eat I get the pains again and my stomach bloats and I feel really uncomfortable. Funny enough the scales have not moved much, and all I can put it down to is all the IV fluids they put into me, any way weight loss should be the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.

I hope you all are well, sorry I havn't visited your blogs, I find it uncomfortable sitting on the computer for to long.

UPDATE AND WEIGH IN

Have had a mixed week, one day I feel fine and the next I feel like crap and can hardly drag myself around.

I thought at first it may be because I haven't been taking in enough calories, so I made myself some chicken and vege soup and blended the crap out of it so it was liquid enough to go up a straw. I felt better the next day, but today feel so weak and achy.

Every time I drink something I get these cramps in my belly, not from the band but from my colon, so maybe my colitis has flared up again.

I took all my dressings off and all are OK except for the one on my left which has not joined together. It is a small incision and only opened superficially so will just keep an eye on it.


As you can see my stomach is rather bruised and it is still sore but getting better everyday.

I weighed myself this morning for a loss of 5kg(11 lbs)for the week, so all is going well on that front. I'm still not hungry just miss the taste of different foods.

Monday I see the nutritionist so I hope he says I can progress to mushy foods, I'm hanging out for some mashed potatoes!!!

THE POST MORTEM

Day 1 - Arrived at the hospital - St Vincent's Private at 6.30am and taken to the Day Surgery Unit where they get you ready for theatre. Hubby was able to come here and wait with me until I was summoned. As I was leaving they put this big blue nylon sheet on the end of the trolley,I asked if it was a body bag (yes, I still had my sense of humour!!) I was to find out later it was a Hover Mat used to lift me off the bed. They inflate it and two people can easily move a hefierlump like me.ha!

I was put in the Anaesthetic Room,so have no memory of anything after that. all I remember is being told I was being given a relaxant and my surgeon would come in and talk to me prior to surgery and I probably wouldn't remember anything, they were right I didn't.

Next it's 10.30am and I'm in recovery and told all went well. Taken back to my room (not ICU)where hubby is waiting and given some much needed drugs, the pain was quite bad, all on my left side. After a couple of hours I was taken down to XRay where they did a Barium Swallow to make sure the band was in it's correct position and not leaking, thankfully all was ok.

I am given some apple juice to have which was divine,but I'm unable to drink it all.At dinner I'm given a small bowl of clear broth and some jelly. I ask the nurses three times if I'm supposed to have the jelly but they say it's all right,so I have it and try to liquefy it as much as possible in my mouth before swallowing. At about 8.00 pm I'm told I'm in a cardiac ward and need to be moved down the the Bariatric Ward (thankfully to a private room).

I had a dreadful night with pain all down my left side, had about three hours of sleep, even the morphine did not give me much relief.

Day 2 - My surgeon came in and gave me a printout of my diet for the next few weeks, clearly written in big print is a unsuitable foods lists which jelly is on the top of the list. When I tell him I got given jelly not once but twice, he hit the roof (not at me).This happened because I was sent ot another ward because there was not a bed available for me probably because I was originally booked into ICU post op.

My meals are now consisting of 2 bowls of broth (tastes like and looks like washing water) and some diet cordial. I am only allowed to drink 50mls every 20 minutes. I must say I was struggling to do that and still am.

Day 3 - Discharged late morning with half the Pharmacy to take home with me. Feeling very bloated and sore.Everythime I drink my 50mls it feels like it's sitting in my throat as well as a big lump in my sternum which radiates to my back.

Day 4 - Today, Had a reasonable sleep, still feeling sore and still have the uncomfortable feeling when I drink. I had a shake for breakfast which takes me over 1 hour to drink,some Bonox for lunch a well as sipping water throughout the day.

I must admit I have absolutely no interest in food at the moment, actually it's a turn off for me to see any. I'm feeling a little better since I was able to do No 2's(sorry for the details) as I was feeling very bloated.

So that's it for the moment, I have to stick to 50mls of allowable liquids, I'm disappointed I'm not allowed any soups, only clear broths for 2 whole weeks, which is not worrying me at the moment, but may do as I start to fell better. Anyways it's a small price to pay. One of the nurses told me in the hospital they know of patients who have pureed McDonalds - OMG! I can't understand why anyone would want to do that to themselves after going through it all - such a waste.

So now it's just a waiting game, taking it easy and allowing myself to heal, I've resisted the urge to jump on the scales - I'm going to leave it till Friday once the week is up.

So until next time bye for now!

HOME

I came home today, it seems like Iv'e been away for a week and not just two days.

Everthing went well, I am still very sore and am having some trouble with drinking all the required fluids.

I will give you all a more detailed post mortem tomorrow after a good nights sleep as I hardly slept while in the hospital and feel pretty crappy in that regard.

Cactus,no bloody icecream but I have a story about some jelly.

Wanna, will email you later on.

I'll be back soon and show my war wounds. Bye for now.

A QUICK ONE

Heard from the hospital have to be there by 6.30am - FARK!

That means getting up at 4am to leave by 5am as the hospital is right in the city and about an 1 1/2 drive from our house.

I'm first on the list at 7am!!!!

So pleased with that as I'm not waiting around.

Just had my shower with the medicated wash and I have to have another one tomorrow morning before I leave.

I feel like an expectant first time mother - a bit scared of the unknown but excited for the result.

Better go and finish packing my bag - CIAO!

WAITING......

Just waiting now,counting down the days, I suppose like me, you all will be glad when it will be over and I stop talking about it.

Work is keeping me busy, as usual I've been working 10 - 12 hour days just to make sure all the loose ends are done. It will be the same when I get back trying to catch up and do everything before the Xmas holidays. One thing is certain I am coming back to work when I feel well enough to, not earlier like I always do.In the long run I don't really get any thanks for it and I want to keep to the promise I made myself back in July that I was going to put myself first from now on.

I will know tomorrow what time I need to be at the hospital, I think I will be done in the afternoon, I hope it is early afternoon so I'm not hanging around.

Trying to stay on the Optifast for two meals a day,it's hard, I am so over the sweet tastes,a good old peanut butter or vegemite sandwich would go down a treat. It's a small price to pay though so I using that to get me through.

Anyways, if I don't get a chance to post again before I go in, I'll catch you on the flipside.

5 DAYS AND COUNTING!!

Note to self, "do not type in a darkened room" - left the O out of counting and nearly had a seizure!!

The old countdown timer is getting lower folks,and I'm excited!!

Today I had a big spring clean knowing I will be out of action for the next few weeks, thank goodness Xmas is not here this year as I'd be stressing out over that. Made a few purchases from the supermarket like V8 juice and Up and Go's(liquid breakfast).

Caved in and bought some new pyjama's from Target as I only had the nice floral "heifer nighties" as I call them and I certainly didn't want to be seen dead in them. Got some really cute 3/4 leg pants and tops to match, better still they were 20% off.

I'm looking forward to fitting into my summer clothes from last year as I have gained 13kg since this time last year and feel in in my clothes. I've been flogging about 5 outfits since the weather has warmed up so it will be good to have a change I can tell you.

I've had to stop some of my medication like the anti-inflammatory's as advised by the anaesthetist as they can increase the chances of a bleeding more. I'm a bit worried as I rely heavily on them to just be mobile, so will have to just see how I go.

Anyway one more day gone and only 4 more working days - OMG!

WHAT THE (INSERT EXPLETIVE HERE)

Had my pre-admission appointment with the hospital yesterday.

After attending to some paperwork, I was taken to see a pre-admission nurse where she went through my history and explained what I can expect when I come in for the operation. She took my blood pressure, weighed me and measured me up for those beautiful and classy white stockings they use now to stop any clots forming in your legs. I got some medicated wash to use the night before and the day of the surgery to "de germ" me before I go into theatre(When I got home I showed hubby the tube and told him it was an enema which HE would have to administer - you should of seen his face it was PRICELESS!!

After all that I went in to see the anaesthetist,after he read the letter with the details on my previous op, he assured me he would still be able to go ahead with the operation, it just meant he would need some extra equipment on hand if there was a problem. The problem last time was they had trouble ventilating me due to not been able to put a breathing tube down my windpipe, due to 1. my obesity, 2.limited neck extension due to arthritis and 3.a small mouth opening due to surgery I had on my jaw 18 odd years ago. Apparently the other Doctor recommended I be intubated while awake, using a camera to sight my vocal chords which scared the crapper out of me as it would be extremely uncomfortable not to mention add to my stress. Anyway all is good as he assured me I would be knocked out if he had to do it that way, so a relief I can tell you.

The other thing that knocked me for a six, was I was told I will be in ICU (Intensive Care) after the surgery for 24 hours. What the F@#k for I don't know, it's not like I'm having open heart surgery or brain surgery.Seems they consider me high risk which I think is just ridiculous,just another way to get some more money ( ($1200.00 a day - Dr's expense only)I told the Dr I would prefer not to go and could he leave the decision till after the op and see how I am.

So all it still a go for next week, my countdown timer now says 7 days - WOW can you believe how fast that time has come. All I have to do now is stick to the eating plan. - WOOHOO!!

Here's a tag from my friend Mick, you have to respond using one word only

1. Where is your cell phone? Handbag
2. Your significant other? Poker
3. Your hair? Blonde
4. Your mother? Wonderful
5. Your father? Funny
6. Your favorite thing? Shopping
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Happiness
10. You’re in? House
11. Your fear? Snakes
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Utopia
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you’re not? Skinny
15. Muffins? Banana
16. One of your wish list items? Piano
17. Where you grew up? Sydney
18. The last thing you did? Loo
19. What are you wearing? Pants
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pet? Oscar
22. Your computer?
23. Your life? Stressed
24. Missing someone? No
25. Your car? Toyota
26. Something you’re not wearing? Thong
27. Favorite Store? Myers
28. Your summer? Hot
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Now it’s 4 answers
32. FOUR PEOPLE WHO E-MAIL ME? Karen,Steven,Anne,Angie
33. FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS: Caramel Tarts,Steaks,Chicken,Mangoes
34. FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW? Beach,Paris,Races,Exploring
35. FOUR PEOPLE I THINK WILL RESPOND: ????

A HITCH - MAYBE!

Got a call from the hospital and I need to go in for a pre admission appointment next Wednesday which is procedure for any admission. Unfortunately, while I'm there I have to see the anaesthetist which is not usually procedure. They want to discuss my last general anaesthetic I had when they had trouble intubating me. FARK! I'm cacking my daks my surgery will be postponed or worse still cancelled.

Because of this I'm going on the Opti-chuck until next Wednesday to try and lose as much weight as quickly as possible.What makes this even harder is I'll be out of town for work and staying overnight, Monday and Tuesday so I'll have to take my shakes and have them when I can and try to get out of any dinners they may have.

Oh God, please let me keep my surgery date in two weeks!!!

MELBOURNE CUP - YAY

Just a quicky, here are my tips for the great Melbourne Cup

Barbaricus - MY HERO, a tough and gutsy performer,he's honest with a heart as big as Phar Lap.Carrying a lightweight for this outing expect him to be one of the leaders and if he can control the pace, he will be in the finish. Expect this 3 year old to be around for a long time.


Zipping - Finished 4th last year so can handle the distance, previous performances show he's ready for a major win.

Septimus - My choice for the imported horses, anyone that wins the Irish St Ledger by 13 lengths deserves to be included.

UPDATE:

Results

1. Viewed
2. Bauer
3. C'est la Guerre

Now you know why I will never make it as a professional punter - end of story!!

EMBARRASING MOMENTS

Had a day at the races today. Our boy was running at Rosehill (Sydney track) god I love that track,very swish, little TV's on all the tables and you even get table service from the bookies.

He came home midfield, we didn't expect him to win as he was up in class and drew the widest barrier and had to race six wide all the way. The Jockey gave him a good rap though, so next time maybe.

While we were down in the mounting yard I ran into someone I used to work with 10 years and 30 kilos lighter. He also had a horse running. The first thing I thought of was "Fark, why couldn't I run into this dude after I had lost my weight". The only consolation I had was our boy beat his horse home by 8 places - nah nah nah nah nah!! - a bit childish I know!!

During the week I mistakenly emailed the photo below to one of the owners where I work. She's in her late 50's maybe and very posh and superior in her attitude to us minions. She always makes me feel like I should curtsy in the her presence and walk out backwards bowing and scraping as I leave. Well didn't I get a very curt email in reply about using work emails, and sending appropriate material blah blah blah. The stupid thing is I usually don't send this sort of thing preferring to delete them, so you can understand how mortified and embarrassed I felt - at the time.

Of course it cracked everyone else up at work and now I can laugh at it as well.
What a dickhead though , I even labelled it "Me on Halloween"!!!! ha ha

A hard lesson learnt I can tell you/

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!

Had my appointment yesterday with my surgeon and the nutritionist. Being the pessimist I am, I was quite anxious they would tell me I could not have the operation for some stupid reason or I hadn't lost enough pre-surgery weight.

By my surgeons scales I had lost 4 kilos since I saw him last which he was pleased about saying 1/2 a kilo a week is a healthy loss blah blah blah.

I recorded a 2.5kilo loss with the nutritionist and 3 cm off my waist, he also was happy with that.He even told me as long as I was eating sensibly I didn't have to have the Opti-chuck two weeks before surgery but if I could manage it it would be better AND only do two meals and have a "normal meal" as night. WOWSER!
I must admit I have been stressing out with the thought of having to go on Opit-chuck for 3 meal a day and for two weeks. I've read so many other blogs and it's been struggle for alot of fellow bandsters, but if it came to the crunch I would do it, but now knowing I don't have to do it has taken some of that stress away.

My plan of action will be to stick to the meal replacements as much as possible and when I start getting a bit toey, I will alternate to having real food, but sticking to the low carbohydrate regime of protein and free veges with no starchy carbs. I think I need the rigidity of the shakes as I'm someone who goes way off track if I'm choosing for myself all the time, so I think this will be a good balance.

My surgeon also told me if I was going to have a "Last Supper" before my surgery to have it two weeks before. He told me of one case where a young girl went on a eating and drinking binge two weeks before her surgery and her liver was so huge they couldn't do the operation. I'd be devastated if I woke up and was told 'Sorry, we couldn't do you! Anyway I certainly don't plan to go on a bender, I just want a nice big steak and a caramel tart as my last hurrah.

So, it's just a waiting game now - 24 days and counting!!!

A LOSS

At last! A loss to report on 2kg (4.4lbs).

It's been a hard bloody slog I can tell you and I have not been consistent with it, but I'm fast approaching the pointy end of the game now and I need to buckle down and get as much weight of before D Day.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday so I would like to show a loss when I go there. Also I have to see the nutrition doctor as well so I expect he will be disappointed I haven't lost much in the 7 weeks since I saw him last(Has it been that long!!!)

Anyway gotta go it's Wednesday (payday) my busiest (and stressful) day of the week.

A GLORIOUS DAY

We went into the city (Sydney) today as my daughter had a audition with the Sydney Theatre Company. It was her first time auditioning for a professional company and as expected she was a little nervous. She had to perform from a cold script, which basically means they are given a piece to work on (with a partner) selected by the director, given a short time to rehearse it and then do it for the director. All in all the process took about 2 hours.

They need 15 actors and there were a heap of young people there so we wont know until later if she has made it, but really if she doesn't make it this time,there always going to be a next time and it's been a good learning curve for her. I was really proud of her as this was way outside of her comfort zone and she is only 17 and still at school, so theres plenty of time.

Before the audition we had a lunch at the Waterfront Restaurant at The Rocks, the scenery of the harbour and the Opera House was divine, we sat outside on a beautiful sunny day. It is a seafood restaurant and my husband & I had the seafood platter for two which although very nice with lobsters,crabs etc was a little short on quantity for the $140.00 price, but hey we don't do that sort of thing often and the views themselves made up for price.

Iv'e been reading a lot of blogs lately on people who have had the Lapband and I'm feeling it's not going to be the walk in the park like I thought. I mean I know really it's not going to be easy, but I just think I'll have to be off work at least two weeks(my doctor told me initially a week) as I am someone who gets pretty whacked from anaesthetics and my surgeon told me due to my autoimmune condition I would spent a couple of more days in rather than overnight.

Also I'm worried about being intubated as my last operation two years ago was nearly cancelled because the anesthetist couldn't get the tube down my throat( funny I thought I was Linda Lovelace - ha ha)and I woke up with an extremely lacerated throat which gave me more pain than the incision site. Personally I think the anaesthetist was a bit green around the edges as I have never had this problem before.

Anyway better sign off and get ready for work tomorrow.

HOLY CRAP

Where has the time gone, my surgery time clock is showing 38 days, when I started it was over 70 days.

So far I have been sticking to the shakes,so hope I can post a loss this week.Everytime I feel like I'm going to go off track, I do some serious talking to myself,suffice to say anyone that sees me probably thinks I'm some crazy bird.

It's a bloody battle I can tell you, so fingers crossed I lose AND stay on track.

The weekend has come and left in a hurry,the dog bit me on Saturday (the little shit) not bad, only a warning snap, but it still drew blood. His problem is he thinks he's the boss!!!!

Anyway not much more to report, still stressed, still broke, thank goodness today is payday.

CALMER - JUST!

I've calmed down - a bit - since my last post. That's how it is will me, I let things build up and KAPOW! I explode and have a rant.

The problems are still there though, I don't think they will ever go unless I get a divorce and/or move out.

I had to take my son to the vet on Tuesday (Yes he is a dog), poor bugger ripped one of his nails out in the screen door and it was bleeding like a stuffed pig. $110.00 later we come home with some antibiotics and pain killers for my poor wee man.



Normally my boy would lavish kisses on me when asked, but at the vets he wouldn't "talk" to me and kept turning around so I was presented with his one eye (Bum)as he didn't like me holding him down for the vet to inspect the wound - there funny buggers aren't they.

It's only 6 weeks to my surgery day, I think this also hasn't helped the stress levels as I so much want this to work. Also, I want to get my Xmas cleaning done before I go into hospital just in case I cannot do it after. So much to do, so little time.

I go back to the surgeon in just over two weeks and am scared shitless he will tell me he won't do it because I havn't lost any weight. I restarted the Optifast again today and already I'm thinking about what I can have for dinner when I have just finished lunch - FARK!

Got to keep telling myself it's for the greater good!!!!!

CAN'T BE ARSED

It's that sort of morning for me, I feel like I've been run over by a semi trailer.

I'm at work, got a headache, aching all over and feel like crap.Maybe it's the stress I've had over the last few days with my brother, but all weekend I just could not motivate myself to do anything.

On my brother, he is now conscious and in a normal ward, they still have not found out what happened. He is still not feeling right, his vision is doubled and a bit woozy on his feet. They will be giving him a more in depth CT Scan today, so I hope he at least comes away with a diagnosis.

I feel like chucking everything in at the moment, my pre surgery weight loss is just not happening, I have money worries and family worries. I'm getting a bit sick of being the one who organises everything and everybody and then not getting any appreciation or consideration. I think if I had the resources I would just walk out, that's how I feel at the moment.

For once in my life I want someone else to make the decisions and worry about everything.

UPDATE

We still don't know what is wrong with my brother,but we do know he hasn't had a stroke or has a brain tumor, so that is some relief in itself.

Yesterday they did a Lumbar Puncture so they can test his spinal fluid for meningitis or encephalitis and also did a EEG to test his brain activity, these results will take over 24 hrs, so it's a waiting game.

They are going to try and rouse him out his induced coma today, so we will be spending another day waiting around.

I feel optimistic though he will recover fully, I don't have the same sense of forboding I had when my younger brother had his accident and died two years ago.

By the way, it's my late brothers birthday today, he would have been 39, so I feel today will be a good day and it will be his gift to us, making Steve well again.

Thanks for all your thoughts, I'll keep you all posted.

SAY A PRAYER

Please say a prayer for my brother.

He was brought down from the country to Sydney by Ambulance, unconscious and in a critical condition yesterday. At this stage we don't know what the cause is, we hope to find out today, but it has something to do with his brain.

It broke my heart yesterday to see him in the the Intensive Care Unit, for such a big man he looked so small and vulnerable.

Will let you all know.

KNUCKLING DOWN - FINALLY !!

I've knuckled down in the last week with the diet. I had sort of been piss farting around with it thinking I had enough time to lose some weight before the surgery.

I think the idea of if I didn't lose enough "pre-surgery" weight they would cancel my surgery has motivated me enough to start and stay on the blasted thing. The last week has been hard - bloody hard but to my credit I have stayed on track.

That's the problem with these low carb diets, the first week is the hardest, in regards to the headaches and the hunger pains. If you can get over the first week you'll do OK - well that's how it is for me anyway.

The other problem is the monotony, shake for breakfast, fruit mid morning,soup or shake for lunch with a garden salad, then 120g lean meat for dinner with veges all low carb of course.

The morning shakes are palatable but the soups leave a lot to be desired, which says a lot as I am someone who can eat anything (hence why I am obese). The soups are so feral I'm not going to order anymore, even though I haven't tasted this, they taste like they have been soaked in gym socks - YUK!!

The good points of this diet are you don't have to think about what your going to have,the weight loss results are good and I can honestly say I feel better within my self and have more energy.

The fact that this is all for a greater cause is keeping me sane because really I'm having some pretty drastic intervention in regards to the surgery so I need to put in the effort as well,as the problem wont be fixed by the Lapband alone.

A HOT SUNDAY

I've been home with the flu since Wednesday, it swept through my workplace and has claimed many a victim.

I totally lost my voice which had everyone at work jumping around with glee, all the "boys" had to come in and have a dig and say some smart arsed comment about "making up for lost time" etc.

So the next day I made a sign that said "I may have lost my voice but I have found this" to which I raised an old cricket bat in my other hand from under my desk. The look on their faces was priceless. hence to say I won that round! lol!

Being so ill, I haven't paid much attention to my diet, not overeating, but not following the low carb regime. I started it yesterday and went out and bought some Optifast shakes and soups. Yes, I know I said I didn;t want to start these, but if I don't lose any weight by my next visit in a couple of weeks, I'll have to go on them for 3 meals a day. At least if I'm losing I can alternate between the shakes and home cooking, as long as I stay within my allowances.

The weather here has been hot since yesterday 34 degrees Celsius, and it's only 20 days into spring, looks like we are in for one long hot summer, it is a pity I wont have my bikini body ready in time! ha ha ha!

Oh and Spider, I wont be flashing my before photos until I have made some progress with the weight loss, don't want to spoil the mystery now do I! LOL!!!

PS I'm so hungry and it's two hours until dinner - FAAARK!!

BEGIN THE BEGUINE

In answer Cactusfreek's question re my last post.

The diagram shows some conditions that are related to obesity and the results this particular research had with their patients. Cactus also asked me if I felt "healthier" now I had decided to have the surgery. I don't feel healthier - yet, I certainly feel relieved that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel", mix that with being a little scared of the unknown like "Will this really work" and "Am I going to be sick with it" pretty much sums up the emotions.

I haven't started my low carb eating plan yet, I wanted a couple of days where I didn't think about what I was eating - a final swansong if you like. Yes, I know this is not the thing to be doing, so lets say it was my way of saying goodbye to all of my eating demons.

I am now committing myself to the plan and intend to take on board everything they Dr's say and recommend from now on.My eating plan is easy to follow, I have a list of foods I can eat, if it's not on the list I cannot have it. I must eat 100grams of protein for breakfast, 150 grams for lunch and 200 grams for dinner with heaps of free vegetables. No pasta,rice,potatoes,peas,corn,pumpkin , maximum of 2 slices of Rye bread per day and no eating between meals (if I'm really starving I'm allowed a diet yogurt, oh and 2 litres of H20 as well.

I'll take my weight and measurements tomorrow as my start for this whole process and maybe some photos as well.

WOOHOO! WHERE ON THE WAY!

THE JOURNEY BEGINS

Today I had my visit to the Endocrinologist who will monitor me from a dietary point of view prior and following my Lapband surgery.

We just went over my "fat" history, what I have tried (just about everything except jaw wiring) the successes (not many) and the failures(to many to write).

He weighed me (down 4 kg's since my hospital admission)measured my height (eek! Iv'e strunk) and took my waist measurement( was too afraid to look and see if he needed two tape measures)

Because my surgery is 10 weeks away he's wants me to follow a high protein,low carbohydrate and low fat diet for 4-6 weeks to see how I go, If I am reasonably successful with that I wont have to go on the Optifast - WOOHOO ! that's music to my ears,as I feel like I have had my throat cut on the dreaded shakes.

While I was there I also saw my Immunologist, all is good so far, (except for the blood pressure) and I don't have to go back to see him until I'm admitted for the surgery, where he will come and see me in the ward. I'm happy about that as It's a one and a half hour drive there and back, plus a day off work, not to mention the city traffic and bloody exorbitant parking charges if your lucky to find one, fortunately my hubby comes with me and does the driving.



I found this picture while looking for information on Lapbanding and thought it was pretty powerful. I have about 5 - 6 things on this diagram, but the thing that really stood out for me, flashing like a neon light was the the very last item, bottom left,"Quality of Life improved in 95% of patients"

OH god, can I please have it now!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Today is my birthday - 47 years young.

Like most of us I don't feel 47, I still feel (in my head) like I'm in my 20's even though the body wouldn't agree with me, it's saying more 67 (at the moment)

I'm feeling optimistic though, the more I research and read abut my upcoming lapband surgery, the more I feel it is the right thing to do for me. I even considered today ringing the Dr and asking him if he could do me earlier as 12 weeks seems a long time.

The photo below was taken before one of my birthday parties, I don't know how old I was, but I look loved don't you think. The dress I remember my mother knitting for me and the beautifully coiffed hair my mother always took pains to do, she always said "if your hair looks good you look good", which is somthing that carried with me into adulthood.

Even my beautiful dog Prince is looking at me with adoration, what a dog he was,such a beautiful nature,I used to ride him around the backyard like a horse, he was so big, a Great Dane/German Shepherd Cross.

The rolling hills in the background were part of a dairy farm, bought out many years later by the government which became the course for the Equestrian event in the Sydney Olympics in 2000.

LOOK ALIVE IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

I have my first appointment with a Endocrinologist on 9th Sept to start the ball rolling on my Lap band Surgery. He will assess me to see if there are any other barriers to me losing weight(other than gorging and stuffing my face) like thyroid & diabetes,which I do not have by the way.

He will also put me on the dreaded Optifast diet prior to having surgery, they do this to reduce the size of the liver which makes the surgery easier and of course less weight lessens any complications with the anaesthetic

I've decided I'm going to start a new blog for this new journey and give you all a blow by blow account - warts and all of my experience. I've decided to do this so I have a record of this and maybe it may help other people decide if this is the right thing for them.

I have a surgery date of 21st November, so fingers crossed all goes well for me to have this.

SUNDAY

Thanks for all your kind words of support, it has meant so much to me.

I am getting a little stronger by the day, had a reasonable week with the exception of one day. My main problems are still the fatigue and the pain and many trips to the loo, that my colitis brings, but hey, it could be worse.

I went back to work for a few days last week, I only did part days, it was all I could handle and brought some work home to do. I had to as my boss has been away, as well as my assistant,so I have been feeling a bit guilty about leaving them in the lurch.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on the surgery,I think I'm going to go ahead with it providing the finances hold out. My bills for the last hospitalisation are coming in think and fast and I'm going to be out of pocket by several thousands of dollars. It really pisses me off when you have private health insurance they think they can charge you more than if you went in as a public patient. I feel I get hit doubly.

The surgery seems the best way for me and I feel it's meant to be. I have struggled all my life with weight loss and now I seem to be running out of time - I need to do something and do it fast. I never had any preconceived ideas about the surgery, I have never viewed it as the easy way out. My opinions have always been that people need to do what works for them from a holistic point of view.

Personally, I would never have Gastric Bypass Surgery simply because it cannot be reversed and it's major surgery for the morbidly obese. The Lapband is minimally invasive as it's done by keyhole surgery,recovery time is a couple of days and it can be removed if it needs to be without any detrimental effect to my stomach.

Sure I'm nervous about having it, but I'm backed into a corner I just have to do it, Will it fix all of my problems - no, but it will make them a lot better.

I'm too young for a motor scooter!!!!!

ps have dropped 1.4kg (3.08lbs) since my last weigh in - not bad considering I was in bed for two weeks and eating three cooked meals and two snacks a day in hospital.

HOME - AT LAST

After two long weeks in hospital, I finally came home yesterday. To say I've been "through the mill" over the last two weeks is an understatement.

My condition was more serious and out of control then even I had thought and it has scared me quite a bit - seems I'm not infallible after all.

I was given a complete overhaul by my Doctor, I had 2 MRI's,a bone scan, a colonoscopy,gastroscopy,barium swallow,bone density, not to mention donating a litre of blood for blood tests.I had consults with Immunologists,Orthopedic Surgeons and Upper GI specialists - god know how much this is all going to cost as I went in to a Private Hospital - at least my insurance covers the hospital accommodation at $800.00per day - FARK!

We did get some answers to some things, my bone problems are not solely a condition of the steroids, but more related to my immune disorder. My immune system is fighting my body and attacking different parts of my body primarily my joints,colon and eyes causing different problems in each area.

My foot isn't fractured as first diagnosed, is it just being attacked by my immune system causing inflammation and fluid build up between the joints and severe degeneration of the cartilage in the ankle and foot joints. The orthopaedic surgeon I saw told me the best thing I could do was lose weight - DOH! What a surprise - NOT! He told me when we walk we exert 5 times our weight on our joints, so me at 127kg is exerting over half a tonne everytime I take a step - how scary is that!!

The other bad thing is I cannot do any weight bearing exercise at all, I was told strictly non weightbearing like stationary bike or swimming, not only for my ankles and feet but for my back as well,in fact I was advised by two Dr's to seriously consider getting Lapband surgery in an effort to reduce my weight as I was wasting my time dieting on my own. I was given all the information to read about and have to give them an answer when I go for my follow visit in 3 weeks, so I have some thinking to do.

I'm feeling kind of shot at the moment, as part of my treatment I was given 3 IV infusions of steroids. I usually take 10 mg a day - I got 750mg a day for 3 days straight. It's left me feeling shattered and bloated and feeling more of a beached whale than normally. Even though the scales say I haven't put on any weight I feel like a Sherman Tank.

OK, better sign off as I'm getting really tired and sore, thanks for all your wonderful support, I'll be back soon.

WEIGH IN, GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS.

GOOD NEWS - Weighed in today for a loss of 1.2kg (2.64 lbs) - GO ME!

BAD NEWS - Went to my Immunologist yesterday and got the berating I knew I would get which had me in tears.Every word though he said was relevant and correct and gave me the shake up I needed. To be told "Your 46, still a young woman and look at you, your a mess"! was the comment that hit home the most.

My fractures are not healing as they should and they are worried the bones are necrosing due to lack of blood supply, so I have to have a few - no alot of tests, and a complete overhaul to reassess my condition in an attempt to get me off the damn steroids I have been taking for 12 years.

I'll be away for nearly two weeks, funny thing is I'm more concerned how I'll go eating wise while I'm flat on my back. First thing I want to do is speak to the Dietitian and see if they can give me some calorie controlled meals.

Anyway bye for now and please say a prayer for me. I'll leave you again with another funny.

WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY

Weighed in today for a 2kg (4.4lb) loss. Yay Me!

It has given me a much needed boost to my motivation.

Thinking about all the negatives obesity brings to my life every time I wanted to pick at this or scoff down a packet of chocolate biscuits has helped me enormously in the past week.

Things I need to improve on is to drink more water and secondly space my food out better. I was finding it difficult after dinner as I usually save something for supper to have with my cup of tea.

I'll leave you all with another funny - have a good week and stay strong!

AT HOME

Working from home Tuesday and Thursday this week. My daughter has gone back to school so I don't have her to drive me or help me around the office being "my legs".

I have arranged for a guy from work to pick me up in the other mornings, it will be an early start 6 AM (FARK!!) which means I will have to be out of bed at 5AM as it takes me twice as long to get ready with the crutches. My boss was not impressed I wanted to work from home, don't know why but he tried to talk me out of it, but I'm sick of having to give in all the time, I always in the past put everyone first before myself, but not this time.

My food has been relatively good, though I went to a party on Saturday night and had what I wanted. I will still record a loss tomorrow but will not be as good as I could have done.

Oh well, onwards and upwards, will record my loss tomorrow, so until then adios amigos!

ps Say a prayer I win the $50 million lotto tonight - I want to retire!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Still hobbling around on the crutches. I am finding the limited movement frustrating to say the least.It has highlighted to me (again) how precious good health and fitness is.I know when I go to my annual review with my immunologist in 2 weeks time I am going to get a mouthful.

I have gained weight big time,my mother told me yesterday "she has never seen me as big as I am now". This comment stung me a bit but if your mother can't tell you a few home truths, no one can.

I jumped on the scales this morning and am so disgusted I'm not even going to write down those figures here, but I can tell you I have gained half if what I lost in the past two years.

I'm back on my old program of 1500 cals a day and will blog my losses and not my weight until I have reached what my lowest weight was. It's a mind thing I know, but I seem to do better when I play these games.

Anyway best go and pay some people, have a good week to you all and I will be dropping in on your blogs more in the next week.

CRUTCHES - NOW I HAVE THREE!!

The news I have been avoiding getting has finally been delivered.

My bone scan results were not good. I have 2 bones broken in my foot - the middle cuneiform and the navicular bone.

The irony of ironies is it's a common fracture for runners!!! You could imagine my reaction to that pearler, what a laugh. The Doctor seems to think it has been caused by my return to the gym and the treadmill. F*@K!

That old phrase comes to mind "Your damned if you do and damned if you don't".

So I'm on crutches for 4 weeks which is the pits, crutches are difficult to manoeuvre for the average person, let alone Tank Girl with the upper body strength of a flea!

My work place has been wonderful, they organised a office downstairs for me and told me if I needed to have time off just to let them know. My daughter who is on school holidays at the moment is driving me in (She's on her Learners) and helping me out in the office and they are paying her for the privilege, so she's getting some extra money which is good.

Today is my wedding anniversary - 21 years!! Time sure flies when your having fun!!

CORRRRR!

My foot is still giving me trouble I will have to make an appointment for a Bone Scan today - yuk!

I'm am diverting from the dismal state of my foot and my weight loss efforts to talk about something completely frivolous.

Last night I was flicking through the remote and I came across a movie that had one of my "boyfriends" in it.

My daughter gave that nickname to all the actors I go weak at the knees over and will watch anything they are in. Some I only like when they play a character, so maybe that doesn't count, some I like for everything they are in.

So here's my list


Colin Firth - I like him in everything,he first came to notice playing the smoldering Mr Darcy in the BBC production of Pride & Prejudice. Loved him in Bridget Jones and Love Actually. Can't wait to see him in the movie version of Momma Mia. A big CORRR!


Alan Rickman - Like him in everything,even in the Harry Potter movies, another big CORRR!



Liam Neeson - A strapping man that looks great in a kilt (Rob Roy)CORRRR!





Viggo Mortenson - Like him in everything PARTICULARLY as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.CORRR!
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Brad Pitt - Only when he has long hair - Ha! Loved him in Legends of the Fall and Troy - CORRRR!


So that's my list - what's yours?

BLAH!

Thought I had better check in as it's been two weeks without posting.

The last two weeks have been a bit blah!

I've had my daughter home form school for two weeks sick with a virus -
I stayed home with her for two days which really impressed my boss, but it had to be done. Also have come to the realisation I have a stress fracture or fractures in my foot again.

I have been in alot of pain for about 7 weeks now,my ankle swells up like a balloon after a day on my feet. I have had - oh,about 6 stress fractures in the last 10 years mainly in my right foot, so I say I'm pretty good at picking them. For any of you that have had a broken bone, it's that deep seated ache you get, particularly at night that is a sure sign you have a fracture.

Luckily I have my own boot - it is an alternative to a cast, I can take it off to shower,drive and go to bed, sort of like a ski boot, I call it my "Hermann Munster" shoe - lol! It's a pain in the arse to put on and take off particularly when I drive, but it helps with the healing process.If there is n improvement in a couple of weeks I'll have to have a bone scan - BLAH!

This of course has not done me any favours on the exercise front. my eating also has not been so good over the last few weeks.

Am feeling very vulnerable at the moment and BLAH!with my foot and a head cold. I saw Sex and the City on the weekend, it was entertaining, I must admit I did not watch the series very much but the movie was good.I really want to see Indiana Jones - has anyone seen that yet, I am a big fan, so may pencil it in for next weekend.

Anyway better go and do some work, I'll leave you with a funny

FULL WEEKEND

Just got home from seeing the stage production of Edward Scissorhands at the Sydney Opera House. I bought tickets for my daughter as part of her birthday gift. The production is by Mathew Bourne the famed British choreographer and director. I suppose it would be in the category of a ballet, as there was no dialogue or songs, just storytelling via dance.

Both my daughter and I enjoyed it but if given the chance again I think I would choose the production of Billy Elliot(also playing it's season here) over this. We had great seats though and it was the first time I had seen a production at our famed Sydney Opera House. Pretty sad seeing I'm a Sydney girl.

On Saturday we took our daughter to NIDA (National Institute of Dramatic Art) as she wants to do a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Acting when she finishes school. It was very interesting sitting in on the information session and we lesrnt a lot.

Placement is by audition only, most people don't get in on their first try unless they are super talented.Also a bit scary is they have around 1500 people audition every year for just 24 places. Some of our very best actors are graduates of NIDA - Cate Blanchett,Mel Gibson, Geoffrey Rush to name a few, it is (in my opinion) the best school in the country and I can see my daughter fitting in well there.

Anyway we have another 18 months before she leaves school anything can happen, but I'm sure she will keep to this.

The weather here today has been miserable - raining and bleak, looks like winter is finally starting to show it's face.

THE ONLY WAY IS UP!

I just re-read my last post and yes, I agree with you Spider63 - I think too much and your right about all the depressive thoughts only making the binging worse.

Spider63 also had an interesting post about about the 4 stages of eating,drop by and have a read (sorry I don't know how to link).I have thought about these steps in the last couple of days and I must say it has helped me to resist some nasties.

I cancelled my food order yesterday, I figured I just have to learn how to do things on my own. I mean, I know what I have to do, but because I don't plan and organise myself I fail.

I'm still going to the gym and I can notice improvements already. Little things like my back doesn't ache as much in the mornings and also my general outlook on life is more rosier than it has been. I mean I actually feel there is hope to get out of the black pit I put myself in.

I still have to make myself go the the gym and hate the thought of it but once I'm there and particularly after I feel better about it. The workouts though are not getting any easier, but hey , I'm working here with below (off the chart) fitness levels so the only way is UP!(As the song goes)

Anyway I'll leave you with a sample of my bawdy humor - take care

INTROSPECTION

I'm sure you have all seen this image before.

I have had it saved on my computer for some time. Whenever I look at it it makes me feel oddly pathetic. Pathetic because I represent the fat kid on the left. The kid who thinks constantly of food and eats like there is no tomorrow.

The child on the right is starving.

Starving so one day there will be no tomorrow.

I find it incomprehensible in this modern day and age that people can still starve to death.I often try and visualise what it would feel like,of course my idea of starving is a far cry from what these poor souls are enduring.

I feel my constant struggles with the food demons are minuscule in the great scheme of things, I try and think of all the people in the world who don't have enough to eat,don't have a roof over their heads,don't have someone to look out for them.

It helps me in a macabre way feel grateful for what I have and not what I don't have.

I watched a doucmentry on the weekend. It was about a group of women at a clinic in the US which catered for eating disorders. All the women were aged 15-30 and all anorexics. Some weighed as little as 40kg (around 85lbs)They would be weighed everyday and not told their weight. They had their rooms inspected on a daily basis for hidden food. I found some of the things they did to lose weight a bit destressing.

It made me think, did I have the same problem as them, but in reverse? Or was I simply just a guts who had no control over anything.

I'm still out on this one lets say it's food for thought.

MINI MELT DOWN

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I have decided not to post from work anymore - I think they have installed snooping software on the server, just a hunch as whenever I am on the Internet be it for work or personal business my boss miraculously starts bugging me or coming out and "pretending" to get something of the printer which is behind me - Bastards!

I hardly use it in work time mainly in my lunch hour is all, pity they didn't. look at themselves.

I had a mini meltdown at work last week, it all started Tuesday of last week, my 3' 0clock finishing day, right on 5 to 3 I get an urgent email from the boss wanting me to look into a problem BEFORE I left. I don't know if it was intentional or he simply forget, so I stayed back and did it - under sufferance I might add.

I've mentioned before the times I work, without wanting to seem big headed, I think I just have too much work to do, and I'm at a stage where I feel I'm not doing anything properly trying yo get through it all. Wednesday is my worst day as I have do the wages on a national basis, everyone knows how stressed I get trying to get in done before the deadline,so what does my boss do, start loading me up with other things to do. Well I just "cracked a fat" as we say here. I told him I have too much work, how everyone relies on me to fix their problems, without me getting any reciprocal help and that I just couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

The first couple of days were great, but it's slowly starting back to how is was before, I tell you though it will have to change because I'm not putting up with this shit anymore - AMEN! End of rant!

So, out of my 3 weeks of supposedly leaving early to get to the gym, it has only happened twice,today being one of them. But that is not going to happen again I can tell you, I will make sure of that - It time to make this all about me. me, ME!

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING!

Thought I had better check in and let you all know I'm still alive.

Last week was hectic with work and my daughters school musical.

The musical was great - we went to two performances and I must admit I enjoyed it better the second time. The production was Oklahoma!and my daughter played the part of Aunt Eller. I have all the songs still in my head - "Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day".Not being biased, I have a very talented daughter as far as acting goes. she really carried the production and was on stage for 95% of the time. She was so good and convincing my mother didn't recognise her. At intermission I asked my mother what she thought of her granddaughters performance which she replied " I haven't seen her yet, when does she come out!!!!

It was so funny, she really didn't know it was her as she was dressed up as a 50 something matronly woman from around the turn of 20th century. She will never live that one down I can guarantee that!!!

On the weight loss front I have been plodding away, today I weighed with a loss of 1kg (2.2lbs) so it heading in the right direction. Oh, and I was successful at negotiating leaving work at 3pm for two days a week, so I can do my physical therapy at the gym, so I'm happy about that. With the musical and all I only made it to the gym once last week, but plan to go today,Thursday and Saturday.

Anyhow, gotta go and do some work.

GLUTEOUS MAXIMAS SORIEASS

I've got a sore gluteous maximus muscle - or in my case gluteous maximus gigantus muscle.

I've been to the gym 4 times this week - yay for me!! Just doing weights and 20 mins on the treadmill. Yesterday I had my program revised and am now using some different machines - the big boys toys as I call them where all the guys workout lifting weights with their muscle belts on. The trainer asked me for some input and I simply stated I "Didn't want to be killed" with the workout!! ha

My butt is feeling the effects of the bike seat and the treadmill workouts, but hey I'm sure it is for the best as I do feel good after it. I'm a little stiff though as I leave the gym walking like I've had a pineapple delicately placed in the nether regions.

Today hubby,daughter and I went to The Rocks in Sydney, they have a market there every Sunday.Daughter and I just browsed the stands, they have some lovely things, a bit touristy (and expensive) but nice hand crafted things.

We also had brunch at a pancake place I used to frequent in my younger days. It was yummy and yes I know, not in my food plan, but as a once in a few years thing OK. I had a short stack of buttermilk pancakes ,egg,bacon, hash browns with whipped butter and maple syrup - divine!

I go back to work tomorrow - I'm looking forward to that - NOT! I have decided I'm telling them I need to leave 1 hour earlier twice a week so I can get to the gym. I'm sick of putting 50-60 hours in a week, it's time I changed some things to benefit me for a change. Now winter is coming it's going to get dark here around 5pm, so if I leave earlier I can go to the gym and be home in time to cook dinner.

Fingers crossed I'm successful!

WEIGH IN

Back to the traditional Wednesday weigh in.

Today's result is 126 kg (277.2lbs)so a loss overall of 1.2kg (2.64lb)from last week.

I have been the Gym twice this week already. It has been hard getting up the motivation to go, but I have forced myself and must admit I feel better in myself after the session. I already am feeling an improvement in my joints so I hope this will spur me on and keep going after I return to work again next week.

So far I am doing 2x20 reps on the weight circuit and 20 mins on the treadmill, nothing flash,but its a start. I learnt my lesson a while ago I just cannot go to hard to start with, as they say slow and steady wins the race.

There's a good mix of people at the gym I attend I actually like going in the middle of the day,as they keep the music at a level that doesn't blow your head off. When I go in the evening they play this techno rap shit so loud you cannot hear the TV even when your wearing earphones.

My daughter is currently in rehearsals for her school musical, they are doing Oklahoma! and she has one of the leads - Aunt Ella.Opening night is only 2 weeks away so I am looking forward to seeing it. If I can I will post some photos.

I picked this up from Angelfish's blog, I thought it was relevant for me and how I need to think.

Your Slogan Should Be

Kerry. Stronger than Pain.

The Slogan Generator

IN MOURNING

DAY 6 126 KG

Spent the day shopping with my daughter today. I wish I wore my pedometer, I'm sure I would have done at least 10,000 steps. We were gone 6 hours and I'm exhausted to say the least.

The last shop we visited was a haberdashery store as I had to return the wool I had bought for my rug. It was all different dye lots and I could not get 30 balls in the same dye lot - pfttt!! What an experience that was, a huge store with 2 cashiers 10 people in front of me. 15 minutes later I get to the top of the queue and get told "I'm sorry we don't do returns here, you have to go to the other counter. The other counter is at the back of the store so after I trudge down there I find 8 people in front of me and it's taking twice as long to serve them. Ye gods,what has ever happened to customer service. After about 15 more minutes, I feel like saying "Excuse me, can you please call me an ambulance as I think I'm going to need it by the time I get served" as my legs were just throbbing.

Back to my title, I'm mourning the loss of my fertility.

I'm officially in menopause. I found out a couple of weeks ago,I knew it was coming but it was finally confirmed through blood tests.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS, I'M ONLY 46 - ISNT THAT TOO YOUNG!

I must admit I have felt pretty down about it since I found out. Stupid I know, but for some reason I feel less of a woman. Now I know how woman who have mastectomies feel, as it's that same comment I have heard from them - less of a woman. I always hoped to have another child but it was put on the back burner for things like career,health issues etc and now it is to late.

I think regret is the hardest thing to live with.

A WELL DESERVED BREAK

DAY 4 - 126.2KG

No change on the scales, but hey I cannot loose every day can I.

Still plugging along. I have a week off work - thank god and I have had a day where no bugger from work has rung me to ask something or other - bliss!!

This morning I ran a few errands and bought some wool - I'm going to teach my self to crochet and make a blanket. I don't start small, I always go into things blazing!!! lol!

The days are getting cooler here, it's been drizzling all day and is one of those days where you could just eat warm comforting foods like soups and crusty hot bread - god I'm drooling already.

I want to take this week to get my sorry (large butt) back to the gym. I know it will help a multitude of things for me I just need to do it!!!

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

DAY 3 - 126.2KG

Down another .800grams,I survived the lower calorie level, though I must admit I was starving after dinner and was constantly thinking of food.

I had my extra piece of bread with a cup of tea which helped somewhat, then went to bed.Drank more water yesterday than I usually do but I always seem to stop around 2pm, so will make a effort today to keep it up until dinner to see if that helps.

I had a absolutely shitty day yesterday at work - I was here for 11 hours and was so stressed out and cranky I though my head would explode, consequently I have to make a few apologies today - fuck!

Anyway best go and get my coffee I need to wake up!

HUMP DAY

DAY 2 - 127.2kg

Day 1 successful.

Managed to stay on track and didn't feel like eating much,probably because I was so stuffed over the weekend. 1 kg down from yesterday - yes water weight I know and I shouldn't be weighing everyday, but I feel I need to do it to keep focused.

I cut my delivered food down to 1200 calories, low I know but I'm allowed to have a extra piece of bread and fruit if I'm really hungry. I was having it anyway on the 1500 cal plan, so I thought I might give it a go for this week.

The auditors here at work are driving me batty, no wonder I want to gorge myself - ha!

Anyway best go I came in early this morning 6.30AM - I need a coffee to wake up.

GOAL FOR TODAY: KEEP TO THE NEW CALORIE LEVEL

TIME TO GET ANAL

DAY 1 - 128.2 kg

I'm naming and shaming myself after seeing the number on the scales this morning.

It's time to revert back to being anal about how I deal with this. I'm letting my bad angel (emotions) take over again, it's time for my good angel( me) to step in. I have to be precise down to the last grain of rice in what I stick into my gob.

No excuses,no slip ups,if I was invited to Queen Elizabeth's birthday bash I would not go - I just have to be tough on myself.

GOAL FOR TODAY: EAT NOTHING EXCEPT THE DELIVERED FOOD!!

IT'S OFFICIAL - I'M A PIG!

Doing my own thing food wise on the weekends is not going well. I'm eating way to much, so I will keep to my delivered meals for all seven days from now on.

I tried out my slow cooker today, didn't make the pork dish mentioned in my last post, I changed my mind at the last minute and opted for Garlic & Herb Lamb Shanks.

I also made a Hummingbird Cake with cream cheese frosting, they were both very,very nice, I must say. I took some photos as you can see I will not make a culinary photographer!!

HELLOOO!!!

Sorry for not being around much. It's auditing time at work, my favourite time of the year - NOT!

All I seem to be doing is spending time at work and not much time for anything else.
My diet has been going so-so, no major breakouts, but can't seem to stop picking.

Consequently the scales are going up and down faster than a brides nightie.

I bought a slow cooker last weekend and am looking forward to giving it a whirl this weekend. I have picked out a scrummy pork and pear casserole.

I'm still getting my food though only 5 days worth, leaving me the get my own on the weekends. I suppose the positive is I'm not gorging myself and there is some control.

Anyway that's all folks I am going to make myself a nice cup of twinings. I will post a weight soon.

WEIGH IN

Weighed in this morning - I stayed the same.

I am a bit surprised I must say, but not devestated as I know how much I ate over the Easter weekend.

One thing I did noticed today, my shoes were abnormally tight this morning and I had to remove the inner sole I usually wear,so I must have some fluid build up.

Anyway best go I have a busy day ahead!!

OOPS!

Just a quickie. I slept in today big time and didn't weigh in.It's really stuffed my day up as Wednesday's are my busy day at work.

So my weigh in will have to wait until tomorrow.

On the positive, I FINALLY got back to the gym yesterday and plan to go again Thursday.

Gotta go,will post again tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY WADDLE

No weigh in today as I know I have gained over the Easter weekend. I think it would do my head in to actually see THE number. I know I have gained due to the extent of my waddle.

While out yesterday I noticed a man who was extremely overweight(over 200kg at guess),what caught my eye was the way he was walking, or more like it, waddling.

It made me think why do fat people waddle, is it because our thighs are so big we have to swing them in a arc of nearly 360 degrees to move them forward, or is it simply due to the weight we expect our legs to carry.

I know I waddle to some extent, My waddle is worse when I'm carrying excess weight and/or I'm stiff and sore from my arthritis. Today my waddle is bad, I'm stiff and sore and I also feel fat. I know I am fat but you know you have days when you feel fatter than usual,well I'm having one of those times where I just feel enormous. If I bent over everyone would think there was a solar eclipse! LOL!!!


Oh well, I only have myself to blame and I know what to do I got to "JUST DO IT?

TRYING FOR A CHOCOLATE FREE ZONE

I'm really struggling with the chocolate. I have some easter gifts and I can smell the blasted stuff.

The stupid thing about all of this is I'm not really a chocoholic, OK, like most people I do like chocolate but am not an addict. My daughter on the other hand loves chocolate and she would eat it all day everday if she could.

A work collegue gave me a chocolate bunny, I held out for 6 hours, then ate it all in one sitting last Wednesday night. I paid the consequences for it the next day though, I had a bad headache and some dodgy bowels.

I had another huge egg given to me and I told my husband to eat it if he knew what was good for him! lol! Thank goodness he didn't need much encouragement.

I suppose my cravings are coming down to plain old "forbidden fruits" mentality and feelings of deprivation.We always want what we dont or can't have.

Maybe I need to retrain my brain by thinking of it as dogs doo or something like that!!!

Oh well better go and heat up my dinner,it's fish for tonight.

WEIGH IN

Weighed in today at 124.6kg (274.12lbs) which is a loss of .600kg(1.32lbs).

Taking into account my huge loss last week and my mini blowout out on Saturday night, I am happy with the result.

MINI EPHINANY

I had a mini ephinany on the weekend.

It's amazing what a small off hand comment from a family member can do as a kick up the backside.

We had a family get together for my Dad's 80th birthday and one of my brothers made a off hand comment about me fitting through a doorway(as there were about 20 people in the room). I must admit I was embarrassed (even though not many heard it.)

I handled it by drowning my sorrows in some wine and just a bit too much Tiramisu cake.

I came to the realisation how much time I had wasted over the past year, I also realised the "medicinal" comfort I was putting in food was just so self destructing. I always knew it wasn't the right thing to do but it just seemed to slap me in the face more this time.

I'm someone who used to be motivated by negative reinforcement. When I was younger, if you told me I could not do something, I would do it just to prove them wrong.When I was 13 I desperately wanted my ears pierced. My mother refused saying I was to young, so I threatened do them myself, which she laughed at.

Well I just got two blocks of ice one day a needle and damn well pierced my own ears, much to her horror. I still wear my earrings in those same holes I did way back then. Dont't get me wrong though it was not the case of a willfull child not getting her way. I just always felt held back because of illness as a child. Telling me I couldn't do something was like waving a red flag at a bull.

What I have achieved so far has proved I can do this,watching shows like The Biggest Loser and other weight loss shows also proves by being consist ant and putting in the effort will yield results.

I think Nona (55kg's) posted recently, "It's one thing to talk the talk, but you have to walk the walk".

Well, I'm tired of the talking(excuses), I want to do the walking.

I want to walk with my head held high for a change.

WEIGH IN - DRUM ROLL PLEASE

Happy to report I lost 3.4kg(7.48lbs)!!

FANBLOODYTASIC!

UPDATE

Well I have managed to stay on track and hound the nasty sugar cravings away. I am encouraged by the fact I have some control over the evil monster. I am surprised though just how much stress I have created for myself.

I had a panic attack yesterday, my first in ages. I started having them in my early 20's, my Nana had just died and I was sitting my final nursing exams. When I got the first one like all sufferers, I thought I was having a stroke and was going to die. Once I had them "diagnosed" I learnt how to handle them and keep them at bay.

They are clever little beasts these panic attacks, they are like a virus,when they come across a barrier or defense mechanism they mutate and change their plan of attack.Mine did that yesterday,I was at work and thankfully it only lasted for a few minutes and I was able to regain control.

For anyone who has ever suffered from anxiety it's the pits.I don't mean normal, everyday anxiousness but full throttled, in your face anxiety,where it impacts on your quality of life and determines everything little thing you do on a daily basis.

I find meditating helps me and also the big one - exercise, also helps enormously,I just have to work something out where I can make the time to do it - another thing which adds to the anxiety, as I start feeling guilty about dropping the ball in one area to support something else.

On a lighter note, weigh in day tomorrow, I have lost I can feel it,I'm not feeling as bloated as I did, so I'm hoping for a good results as I need some good news I can tell you that!

IMPROVEMENTS (THOUGH MINOR)

Things have improved for me (slightly) on the diet front. Firstly by having the meals my anxiety levels have reduced dramatically and overall I am eating better.

I am having though some serious sugar cravings after dinner, last night I succumbed and stuffed 4 chocolate biscuits down my craw, then two pieces of cinnamon toast,then when that didn't satisfy me some more sweet biscuits. I of course felt pretty shattered after the event and vowed I would do better.

I feel I'm being a stupid cow for letting this food issue get the better of me, but honestly all I seem to be doing is thinking of food and what I can have next and when. Last week at work we had cake for someones birthday, I was good, I walked back to my desk without my usual two pieces(yes, two freakin pieces).For the rest of the afternoon that damn cake was on my mind and I could not think of anything else.

The next day I knew there was heaps left in the fridge and once more my thoughts kept going back to it saying to myself "oh come on one slice wont hurt, you can start again tomorrow etc etc". Again I was able to withstand the temptation.

Why is it I can control myself with the really ,really good stuff (cakes) and then blow it on OK stuff like biscuits and bread. I mean if I'm going to break the diet you would think I'd pick something WORTH breaking it for.

Today I've tried to keep busy and keep my mind occupied, I found a an unfinished knitted jacket I was doing for my daughter, so I have started it again, had to unravel it all as I forgot what size I was doing.

Tonight if I get the cravings again I just have to drink a glass of water as I'm not blowing it again tonight.

THE DAMAGE

Today's the day - yay!!!!

Faced the scales this morning have weighed in at a whopping 128.6kg!!!. So I have had a monumental gain of roughly 10kg (22lbs) - not good at all.

I must accept this and move on from here. Beating myself up over this is not going to do any good,rather the reverse. I have to learn how to forgive myself and more importantly, like myself if I'm going to beat this.

So far this morning I am allowed the following

2 slices Ham
1 small egg
2 slices grain bread
5 dried apricots
1 orange

I had the egg, 1 slice ham and 1 toast and the orange for breakfast and am saving the other slice of toast and ham with the apricots for my mid morning snack.

Lunch is a small serve of chilli chicken on a salad with a small bread roll and a nectarine.

I find I do better and am not so hungry when I break down my meals into 3 meals with 3 snacks.

For the firsat time in a while I'm feeling optimistic!!

TODAYS THE DAY

Thank god, today I'm getting my food delivery.It's been a long, long week I can tell you. I know tomorrow I will wake up tomorrow with an enormous sense of relief knowing I will have some semblance of control again.

I must admit my self destructing behaviour over the past few weeks has alarmed me. I have never been this bad before and felt like I had no control whatever.Frankly it has scared the "bejesus" out of me.

I found this picture and thought it suited my problem

TRYING TO HANG ON

It took me about 5 minutes to log onto my blog as I could not for the life of me remember my password. Funny thing is I have used this password for many years, just shows how bad I am at the moment.

Well my plan of staying on track and journaling my food fell flat on it's face after two days. I have been gorging myself on anything "making" up for lost time and any future time I think.

Physically I feel like crap, my joints ache, I'm getting bad headaches and my stomach and bowels lead a lot to be desired at the moment - if you know what I mean. I have been on a self-destruct mission for the past week and a half and god knows how much I have gained as my clothes are definitely showing I have.

In an effort to get me back on track I have organised to get my food delivered as of next week. This company will send me 1500 cal of food for the week, all weighed and sorted by meals for the week. I have had it before and the food is fresh and good. It is though on the expensive side at $140.00 per week, but I feel well worth it as I will not have to think about menu planning etc which reduces the stress for me a bit, knowing I just have to pick out say lunch for Wednesday. Anything that reduces my stress is a plus, you see I'm one of those people who can tolerate a lot of stress, it just takes one small thing to tip the scales and I fall into a screaming heap. Bad thing is though I have had several small things happen since Xmas.

So, I'm doing my best to hold on until Tuesday, when I get my delivery for a Wednesday start.

I have to get this right, I have to get back on track - my life depends on it.